UA PR Department's List of News Release topics for Monday, June 16:

(A) Balance sheet shows UA will have to cease ops in 6 months and liquidate
(B) Grounding of 80+ aircraft will result in packed flights with fewer frequencies
(C) Aging aircraft mechanical problems increase; cause of significant schedule delays
(D) More layoffs and furloughs in store as a result of systemwide schedule reductions
(E) One aircraft can now display iPod content on seat monitors in biz/first only

I guess I'd pick E, too!