Well, a BA guide to getting through LCA:

1. Enter the terminal building through the farthest door to the right (as you look at the building), so the last door if you drive up to the terminal. This brings you in by the BA check-in desk, thus avoiding the need to push through and climb over mountains of chavs waiting to check in for their delayed flights to LTN, LGW, NCL, EMA etc.

2. Check in is on the right hand side of check in area, and there is one dedicated CE desk. Check in is usually quick and efficient. You can arrive one hour before the flight and that is plenty, unless you feel the need to go chav shopping in the terminal, or hanging out at Burger King.

3. Go through passport control, go to an EU passport desk. You don't want to be stuck behind someone Arab looking or with a Turkish soiunding name. Otherwise you'll be there for ages.

4. Security is easy and quick, and they actually have tables before the scanners to sort out your stuff on. More than one bag is fine. Liquids, laptops etc go through separately.

5. After security, you are spewed out into a loud and smelly den of chavitis. Hold your nose, and turn right (with Burger King to your left). You will see a lift on your right, and you take this up one floor to the lounge (Sunjet Executive Lounge). Just one minute from security.

6. The lounge is open 24 hours, and has good air conditioning (no stench from Burger King) and has its own chav-free loos at the far end of the lounge, which are huge and clean. There are 3 computers to the right as you go in, 2 of which are usually working, and a printer that usually is not working. There is a good selection of drinks, and loads of alcohol to help yourself to. Food is limited to crisps, clingfilm wrapped cheese or tuna sandwiches, and some greasy pies and even greasier baklava type things. There are some English reads - Cyprus Mail, Cyprus Weekly, sometimes an IHT, and some travel magazines. Thes rest is all Greek to me.

7. Allow plenty of time to get to the pen (usually number 4), as you have to fight your way through mobs of chavs and East European sluts. At the entrance to the pen is usually a large queue (as there is only one person checking BPs as you enter the pen). The pen is nasty, designed for about 50, yet they ram a whole 767-full into it). Newspapers are on the right as you get herded into the pen. It's the usual Mail and Telegraph. The Telegraphs never go, as the chavs can't read it.

8. Boarding is by bus. Wheelchairs, old gits that can barely walk, and chav families with screaming halkf naked kids go first. So that's about 3/4 of the plane. The remainder - the hard core chavs, and a few normal looking passengers - go out to the plane on two buses. Oh, and despite putting 2 lots of steps up to the plane - front and back - they all try to board at the front.

9. You will be so happy when you reach the plane. Have a nice trip.