How to keep Arabs off a plane and keep the skies safe...the American way. (A primer for airline pilots)

1. Determine authenticity (as a true Arab) by skin color, name, books on the middle east, gun on person, statements from a flight attendant, etc.

2. Find a reason to check on the validity of said person's presence on the aircraft. One or more of incorrect paperwork, duplicate tickets, missing numbers on boarding pass, duplicate seat assignment, baggage not loaded or loaded without checks, going to the toilet before take-off, etc., is sufficient.

3. Delay boarding and continue questioning until said person's patience wears off. (Warning: may take up to 2 hours).

4. As soon as the said person shows irritation at the process, deny boarding to the "angry passenger". Get at least one person to vouch for the irritation.

5. If the above does not work to make the person angry, you can enlist the flight attendant to spill coffee on the suspected Arab. If that doesn't work and the Arab appears to be well-mannered, pick a woman or child passenger nearby and rant on them until the said Arab is goaded into intervening at which point it is valid to deny boarding.

6. File a report with the airline with your version of the story.

PS: It is recommended that you do not apply this procedure to members of the US secret service as it may prove embarrassing to the airline. As we do not expect too many Arabs being employed by the US Secret Service this should not be a likely scenario. If it does happen, the airline may be forced to withdraw support for you and disavow all knowledge of this primer.

:-) For the sarcasm impaired.