Send your friends an email telling them that you have "modularised" their friendship. Tell them that while they should still be as good a friend to you, you will not be reciprocal. Tell them the reason for your change of heart is that you want more friends, and would rather go for quantity over quality. Send some of your friends an email telling them that nothing has changed, but select these friends randomly.

If any of your friends are p!ssed off at this, tell them you surveyed 10,000 of your friends and that this was what they wanted. If any of your friends claim never to have seen a survey or simply do not believe you, ignore them repeatedly.

Slowly over time though, go back to some of your friends eating humble pie*. Tell them that while your decision was right all along, you feel you could still accommodate them. Make poor attempts at reconciling their friendship by telling them for £5 more they can get more in return for their friendship.


*if any of your friends want a slice of humble pie, they can purchase one from you for £5, although those random friends from earlier can have one for free.