What if I get the upgrade and the Mrs. does not?

Why ask questions that need answering? You and you alone worked hard to get that upgrade and the last thing you deserve is having to squander it on… what area they called… oh yeah, family members. Hogwash! You put your backside in that seat, order your preflight drink, snicker as the FA buttons up the curtain and send back the Sunday for the Mrs. (after you’ve eaten all the tasty toppings that is!).

Coincidently, you may want to have a divorce attorney standing by when you arrive…

What lavatories are best suited for “maritals” while airborne?

The one at the center front of the plane (note, don’t confuse this with the ones on the sides). Remember, chances are there’re at least two people already in there wearing kinky pilotesque uniforms so you may have to force the lock. And as always, watch out for snakes!

Speaking of snakes, what should I do in the event of snakes on a plane?
Contact Samuel L. Jackson ASAP.

What if I look young and I'm and elite?
Well for starters don't post on that @#%# thread. Wait about 20 years than ask yourself if you still face the same aesthetic difficulties you faced today. If so, I suggest you start marketing various bodily fluids as anti-aging products.