The following appeared in the February 8, 1999 issue of Forbes. I had a good luagh -- as did the FAs I showed the article to. They suggested it be required reading for all passengers:

Remember actor John Candy's portrayal of the seatmate from Hell in the movie Planes, Trains and Automobile?. As his final flourish in a virtual primer on bad travel manners, Candy takes off his shoes1 waves his socks in the air and remarks breezily: "Oh, that feels good I tell ya, my dogs are barking today!"

Most of us can relate. I've often caught the scent of eau de sock while flying. I've had strangers drooling on my shoulder as they snored their way through night flights. I've sat next to sweaty guys wearing sleeveless T shirts. I've inspected strangers' molars when they've reclined their seats into my lap. And after a half-hour of playing peek-a-boo with a rambunctious boy in the row in front of me, I've been reminded of the stand-up comedian who ~ finally shouted, "Hey, kid, guess what? I'm always 0 going to be here!"

There's nothing elegant about flying these days, or at least about flying coach. Blame the airlines for crowded seating, blame the rest of us for demanding low fares that necessitate lots of seats. But also blame the sad demise of travel manners. We've become a bus-station nation. We don't care what anyone thinks of our wardrobe or whether we're rude to fellow travelers. Sheryl Spivack1 a George Washington Uni-versity professor in the tourism and hospitality manage-ment department, suggests better "jetiquette." She thinks traveling on a plane somehow encourages people to do things they would never consider doing anywhere else in public. Like applying nail polish, clipping toenails and leav-ing lavatories in a disgraceful state.

Most of us wouldn't whip out toenail clippers in a restaurant. But we seem to believe we're invisible as soon as we board a plane. It's this illusion that allows three strangers to sit cheek-by-jowl -- even eat meals inches apart without exchanging a word during a five-hour flight. Herewith, a modest manifesto for better flying manners:

-The plane won't leave until everyone is boarded. You gain nothing by fighting for line position at the boarding gate. Don't.

-Cargo goes below. I'm a big supporter of carry-on luggage, but make sure it fits where it belongs. If you're lugging something too big because you fear checking it, do us all a favor and yourself, too and simply ship it to your destination ahead of you

- I am not a dentist. When you leave your seat, why not leave it in the upright position so those behind you can at least take a deep breath?

-If you do decide to talk to me, I am not a therapist. I'm sorry you hate your boss/spouse/neighbor. I think it's brave of you to decide to come out of the closet. Just spare me the details.

-I am not a baby-sitter. While kind strangers should offer help to overwhelmed parents, children old enough to know how to behave should be made to behave by those who love them the most. That wouldn't be me.

And while enforcing a dress code is hopeless, can we at least agree that men's armpits should be covered?

Once, passengers dressed as if they were visiting a snazzy restaurant. Men wore suits, women sported hats, and for long flights, chose their sleepwear care-fully In ] 940, aboard the Douglas Sleeper Transport that flew between New York and Los Angeles in only 19 hours, each of the 14 passengers had his or her own berth.
Today, ifyou're flying a long distance in coach class, you're most likely sitting upright, shifting your legs an inch here or there, hoping to avoid blood clots. We're just grateful to complete a flight without witnessing an incident of air rage.
Remember all the press late last year about a passenger who went nuts on a flight from Bangkok to Budapest aboard the Hungarian airline, Mal6v? The stories said he struck a pilot and tried to strangle a flight attendant before crew members tied him to a seat; a doctor on board gave him a shot ofa sedative, and when the plane made an emergency landing in Istanbul, the poor guy was dead.
Okay, that's a bit harsh for your obnoxious seatmate. But in the face of the considerable obstacles to comfort-able travel, couldn't we all try to act decently and keep oursocks on while aloft?

--J