The UAL Brain Trust hard at work!

STL this morning / afternoon (2/21/2006)

1:42 PM flight to ORD. I arrive at the airport at 11:20 AM.

Gripe #1: Is this the airport that time forgot? My GAWD, it looks like it was abandoned in 1973 and reopened yesterday. The concrete ouside where the rental car shuttle drops you off is cracked and rusting rebar has stained the concrete. You walk across traffic to get to the terminal. Good Grief, think maybe it's time to update this just a tad?

I check in, check my bags and ask the guy at the ticket counter about an exit row seat since the United Express (operated by "Go Jet") flight doesn't allow you to select a seat when booking OR when checking in.

Gripe #2 The airline that claims to be rebuilding itself around ME hasn't figured out how to assign seating on a feeder airline yet? I even tried talking to a human being at the $10 a call call center and was told that that had to be assigned at the airport.

He tells me that after taking my baggage to the TSA...

Gripe #3: This is the hokiest "security screening" setup I have seen yet, and I've had to use the MCI security. A bunch of stanchions and nylon webbing and that's the "sterile" area? I can see that if I were flying out of Fort Wayne, but this is Saint Louis!

...that I should talk to the person at the gate.

After what was an actually very efficient screening and WTMD experience, I get to the gate, no one's there. Makes sense, the flight is still two hours hence. I go to the overpriced airport eatery / bar and have a sandwich and a couple of pops. Time passes, and finally it's approaching 1PM. Since they usually post someone at the gate an hour before takeoff, I figure someone is there. No one is there. I wait and wait, it's now 1:15--SEVEN MINUTES before boarding. I go to the very large, very conspicuous UNITED AIRLINES PASSENGER SERVICE CENTER and find NO ONE there either. A call was placed to the $10 a call call center. After speaking slowly and clearly to the voice prompter...

Gripe #4: Voice prompters are bulls**t anyway, but can't United Airlines, the airline that is rebuilding itself around ME, find itself a voice prompter that actually recognizes a native speaker of the English Language? I had to call back three times after hearing "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Did you say 'yes'?" I finally leaned on the zero key until I got a human being. I probably would have been better off with the prompter.

I explained to this guy that I was at the airport, standing in front of the gate, trying to find a gate agent. It was five minutes before the boarding time on my boarding pass and there was no one at the gate, how could I secure an exit row seat? He told me that I would have to talk to the gate agent. I repeated that I was AT THE AIRPORT, STANDING AT THE GATE and there was NO GATE AGENT.

He told me that I should have gotten to the airport one and one half hours (his words) before the flight's departure time and he could try to get me on another flight. I told him that I didn't want another flight, the flight in question hadn't even boarded yet, I just wanted a gate agent or for him to assign a seat. He told me that I had to be at the airport to do this.

Gripe #5: Has this guy passed a basic intelligence test?

I started speaking even more slowly and clearly. The $10 a call call center rep had an accent that sounded like he as Indian but I couldn't place it exactly. I calmly told him that yes, I was at the airport. That I was standing 50 feet from the gate, and was in full view of it, that I had gotten to the airport more than two hours prior to departure and all I wanted was to know where the GATE AGENT was. He told me that If I want to try to get an exit row seat, that I would have to arrive at the airport at least "one and one half hours" before departure.

I said: "Listen to me very carefuly, sir. I want you to understand the following sentence: I AM AT THE AIRPORT. Now, comprehension check. Where am I?" He said that I was at the airport. I said "I got here ONE HOUR MORE than one and one half hours before departure. Comprehension check: When did I get here?" He said more than two hours ago.

Now we're getting somewhere.

There is no gate agent here to change seats. How can I do this? He told me that I could talk to a customer service person at the customer service center. I said "I'm glad you said that, because I am standing at the PASSENGER SERVICE CENTER and there is NO ONE IS HERE." Now what do I do?

"You have to get to the airport more than one and one half hours before departure time."

I lost it.

"Dude, I have been here for the last two hours. There is no gate agent and the flight is supposed to board in less than ten minutes. WHY IS THERE NO GATE AGENT HERE? HOW DO I GET A SEAT CHANGE WHEN THERE ARE NO UNITED EMPLOYEES IN ATTENDANCE?" He tells me that he can try to get me a seat on the next flight. I ask What's wrong with this flight, IT HASN'T EVEN BOARDED YET?? He tells me that I have to be at the airport more than one and one half hours before departure.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THIS GUY TO UNDERSTAND THAT I AM AT THE AIRPORT AND I HAVE BEEN FOR HOURS? I got really tense and said THE FLIGHT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BOARDING IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES! THERE IS NO GATE AGENT HERE! IS THIS HOW YOU ARE PLANNING TO STAY OUT OF BANKRUPTCY THIS TIME??

He finally tells me that he has to put me on hold to find me a phone number to call. One minute into the hold, the gate agent arrived and an instant ten person queue formed. I hit the "end" key and got into the line. The very nice, efficient and awfully cute gate agent was able to get me an exit row seat without any effort whatsoever.

Folks, this is NOT rocket science. This is a friggin' airline. I was not asking him to calculate the weight and balance of the "Go Jet" vomit comet I was going to be flying on. I didn't ask for Tilton's shoe size. I wasn't seeking the door code to the corporate employee entrance. I wanted to know why there was no gate agent and how I could get an exit row seat. This guy acted like I was speaking a foreign language. Maybe I was. But if that's the case, WHY is United Airlines, the airline that is rebuilding itself around me, NOT employing people who can inderstand me??

Okay, I feel better now. This is why I almost always fly Continental. I live in Chicagoland, and my "Home Town Airline" had a really awful showing today.

--Paul