No cab drivers in the world are so determined and expert at overcharging their passengers than those on the route from JFK into Manhattan. After years of experience, I can just about manage to avoid paying for pre-existing time on the meter and, when there are other passangers, for more than my proportionate share of the proper mileage charge. If I'm extraordinarily vigilant, I can even prevent the driver from going to Manhattan via Philadelphia. However, I'm almost never able to get a New York cabby to take the shortest, cheapest route I want him to take.

To New York cab drivers, the only legitimate route from the New York airports to midtown or downtown Manhattan is by way ot the Tappenzee Bridge. Even those with the most elementary knowledge of geometry can see with one look at the map that the Tappenzee Bridge is not the shortest route to midtown or downtown Manhattan. The shortest route between two points is, miracle of miracles, not the curved line but the straight line, the Long Island Expressway.

Now, I'm sure the average New York cab driver is unlikely to have read much Euclid. And I'm certain there are some who are so ignorant that they are simply unaware of any alternative route (these are the ones who, when finally make it to 41st street in Manhattan, require detailed directions on how to get to 42nd). Most, though, have simply realized that the Tappenzee Bridge is the longest route they can take to the city which will not get them in trouble with the New York Taxi and Limousine Commission for overcharging.

When you try to get a New York cab driver to take alternative route, he will resist in several ways.

One way is to argue that at that time of the day the Long Island Expressway or Midtown Tunnel is jammed up. Needless to say, it doesn't matter what the time of day is. I've had te argument put to me at two o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday.

How these guys know the Long Island Expressway or Midtown Tunnel is jammed up is a mystery to me. Especially since they never seem to know when the Tappenzee Bridge is jammed up.

It's certainly possible that because of the number of cars or counter-rush-hour lane restrictions, the midtown route is more jammed up. But the way I see it, it has to be twice as jammed up as the Tappenzee Bridge route in order to justify covering twice the distance to avoid it.

If by some miracle, you're able to get a New York cab driver to agree to take you on the midtown route, do not assume that the battle is over. He probably doesn't understand. I mean, so few New York cab drivers today speak english. Who knows what the words, "Midtown Tunnel route," mean in Ukrainian? You're probably lucky not to be sodomized with a large cabbage at the first exit.

Even if your cabby does understand, he is likely to take a broad interpretation of your intent. This is tha cabby who takes you to the Midtown Tunnel via the Tappenzee Bridge - or, at the very least, via the "great circle route" that passes by La Guardia.

Or your cabby may "accidentally" miss the relevant turnoff for the Long Island Expressway and end up at the Tappenzee Bridge that way.

This is a tough one to defend against. You've got to keep an eye on the road and continually warn the driver about upcoming exits without appearing too pushy. If you appear too pushy, then the driver is likely to respond by stopping at each exit along the road and asking you sarcastically wether he should take it.

"This one's to New England," he'll say. "That's somewhere near Manhattan, isn't it?"

Even if the driver eventually takes the fastest route, his stopping every quarter-mile to ask you directions will have turned it into the slowest route.

The ultimate defense New York cab drivers have against taking other than the Tappenzee Bridge route is to get "lost". Once they've got you off the beaten track, your skeletal rent-a-car-map and skimpy knowledge of the topography of Queens is of no use. You're lost, too.

You could try a few plaintive cries of, "You've been a cab driver for forty-two years and can't find your way from the airport to the city?" but it's unlikely to do any good.

It's best just to resign yourself to having been beaten, sit back and wait for the Tappenzee Bridge to come into view.