The problem is that the upgrade benefit for Gold doesn't really mean that you get the kinds of rooms that we usually describe as upgrades here on Flyertalk.

Platinums get standard suites if available, or club or towers rooms, etc. (all property-dependent).

Golds get 'preferred rooms' if available, which can mean a higher floor, an SPG floor with upgraded amenities (such as robes), a view, a recently renovated room, or as half tongue-in-cheek referenced above just a room farther from the elevators. Basically, subject to availability, Gold should prevent you from being given the worst room in the house.

That doesn't mean that Golds won't ever get nice upgrades like suites -- even non-SPG members might occasionally get such a room. Sometimes the last room in the house is a suite and the last person to check in isn't a member of SPG and that suite could then go to the no-status person. (Before I invite Platinums piling on, complaining that they didn't get the room, let us assume for argument sake that this is the hotel's Presidential Suite which isn't eligible for an upgrade based on status anyway.)

Sometimes Golds will do well, but set your expectations appropriately:
* Won't get the worst room in the house
* Late checkout at non-resort properties (as long as there's no convention or publicly recognized event)
* You won't have to pay for your USA Today
* 50% bonus on points earned during your stay