COLOGNE, Germany - At a press event today at its headquarters in Cologne titled “Make Lufthansa Great Again,” Lufthansa announced new premium cabin seats, to replace the much-delayed Allegris seats for business and first class.

“Our customers have consistently given us the feedback that they are disappointed with the rollout of the Allegris product, of which we don’t have a single seat flying even almost seven years after announcing it,” said Lufthansa CEO Carsten Spohr. “They tell us they miss the old Lufthansa. So we are giving them what they want: we will replace the current first and business class seats, which are from the early 2010s, with the old seats that we removed but thankfully kept in storage.”

Spohr added that the business class seats, the angled-flat product known as “PrivatBed,” and the old first class recliner would be covered in new fabric and reinstalled in aircraft beginning in late 2024, and the Allegris rollout would be scrapped altogether. “Our customers have told us clearly that they miss the old Lufthansa, and this is our way of giving them what they want. We will be carefully monitoring customer feedback. If they continue to tell us they miss the old Lufthansa, we will install the even older seats from the 1990s, which we have also kept in storage.”

Spohr said that this decision was made as a result of the Skytrax consulting service, for which Lufthansa has paid millions. “As you know,” he said, “we were disappointed to lose the 5-star Skytrax rating that we paid for back in 2017,” before quickly correcting himself to say, “I meant, that we earned.” He continued: “Skytrax has assured us that if we successfully implement this latest retrofit, Skytrax will award Lufthansa the 6-star rating, which they have already registered as a trademark but which has not been awarded to any airline to date.”