As I initially mapped out my sabbatical journey, I had intentionally kept my September unplanned. I, uncharacteristically, wanted to leave things open and see what I felt like. After spending July in Torremolinos, I hadn’t had enough. I wanted more which I thought was a great sign. So I booked a nonstop from Lisbon to Malaga and I would be spending the month of September back in Torremolinos. My 90 day tourist EU visa would be expiring at the end of the month so I would have to move on. Luckily Jorge and I had booked an Egyptian adventure that starts on September 28.
I got up on my departure morning from Lisbon and returned to Pao de Canella where José Miguel had taken me just a few days prior. I was still thinking of him and my nostalgic side wanted to return even if he was on vacation with his Marco. I love pretending to be jealous. But I honestly don’t have a jealous bone in my body. I am so happy that he has found someone.
My flight wasn’t until later so I had a quiet morning of writing. I didn’t get as much writing done in Lisbon as I had hoped. But I was having a great time. If I don’t have any fun experiences, then what will I write about?
Waiting for the Uber in Lisboa. Like my IKEA zippered bag? FANCY!! I put a Singapore Airlines Suites tag on it to balance out the fact it's not the fanciest luggage. It didn't work.
FLIGHT: TAP Portugal 1135 LISBON - MALAGA Economy Class
Finally my bags (including my high class blue IKEA zipper bag) and I jumped into an Uber to the airport. I had booked a cheap TAP Portugal flight that is operated by White Airlines on a WWII relic aircraft. Not a big plane. Thanks to my Star Alliance Gold, I thought I would quickly check in at the business class counters instead of just going to a vacant bag drop. This turned out to be a huge mistake.
After tapping on the computer, she finally told me that my IKEA bag wasn’t proper baggage. It’s stronger than most bags and has a proper zipper. How is it not a bag?? I have seen people check in with some pretty crazy things. But she said I could check it in but I would have to take it upstairs to Oversized Baggage. Okay, whatever.
Of course the escalator going to the security area upstairs wasn’t working. So I had to walk the bag up the stairs along with my rollie and backpack. I stood in line for about 10 minutes before they scanned the bag and said it wasn’t in the system. I had to return to check-in. So I schleped back downstairs and explained what happened. She shrugged and said it was in the system. I asked if she could accompany me back up and duke it out with them. She finally agreed. By the time we got back up there there were about 20 people in line. Something was wrong with the system. It was rejecting about half the bags. I had arrived to the airport with plenty of time, but now I was getting worried. I pleaded with her to just let me check it in at the check-in counters. But she insisted that it wasn’t a bag. I finally asked if there was a supervisor back at check-in that could help. Oversized Baggage was down and nothing good was going to happen there.
So once again, we went back downstairs with all my bags. I was getting good at this. Have I mentioned the heat wave? Finally we spoke with four other check-in people. I began to say that I would be missing my plane because of this. I had been at the airport for 1.5 hours now and this was not going well. Finally a different supervisor finally said she could accept the bag and send it on its way. Thank goodness.
Next the travel gods challenged me with a security scanner breaking down just as my things were getting scanned. This required a full reboot of the system. Today was requiring lots of patience. Finally with five minutes before boarding, I ran inside the lounge to grab some “dinner”. I had planned that I would eat at the airport so I was starving by this point. I scarfed down some food and ran over to my gate only to find out it was a BUS GATE. Of course it was! Why wouldn’t it be?
A quick 5 minute "dinner" in the TAP lounge
I am not sure when was the last time I had an airplane with a high wing, but it doesn’t actually instill the highest level of confidence. Also the plane was so small that we had to board through the “bigger” door in the back of the plane. As I entered the back galley, I was surprised to see my big black bag sitting right there that I had checked in. It had just been loaded in through the door on the other side of the galley. And the flight attendant was putting it in the luggage space behind the galley. Was there no luggage storage underneath the cabin? The good news is that it was on the plane! Let’s see what happens to my blue IKEA! The flight was short and sweet. It was nice to have a nonstop since the flight time was just an hour. The crew was fine and I think I got a glass of water.
Not great legroom but a free seat next to me is always appreciated.
At baggage claim, my big black suitcase appeared just as I arrived. And then five more bags appeared. And that was it. Nothing more. Based on what I could see on the plane, there wasn’t really room for any more baggage. A crowd of like 15 people were still waiting for bags. After 20 minutes, I bee-lined to the lost baggage window to beat the crowd. Luckily I was second in line. They had no information in their system about my bag. They couldn’t even confirm it was still in Lisbon. I got a printout of my claim and soon was in an Uber to my Airbnb.
I had booked two different places for September. The first was a smaller studio very near my last flat there. Then once Paul and Susan arrive, we will switch to this amazing flat with spectacular sunset views. So when I arrived, my best buddy Jorge had already arrived from Madrid and checked us in. It was midnight by the time I walked through the door but he still popped a bottle of cava and put out snacks for us to nibble on. I taught him well how to welcome a visitor! It had been a month since we had seen each other and stayed up late chatting like 14 year old girls.
A great view from my new flat
In the morning, I got to see my new apartment’s views in its full glory of daylight. It was spectacular! This time my view was of the sea east toward Malaga. I could even watch the planes take off and land at the nearby Malaga airport! Then in the evenings, I could see the sunset over the mountains to the left. The flat was half the price of my next flat but I loved the views. This flat even had a windowed in balcony where I could sit and write. Jorge liked it because it had a separate twin for him! He didn’t have to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa bed!
Like is our tradition, we ate a breakfast of pan con tomate y aceite at Bulevar Cafe. The ever flirty Arón was there to welcome us back and make sexual comments to me like he always does. He’s a walking HR nightmare but cute and fun. I worked out after breakfast at my gym next door. I hadn’t been going to the gym in Portugal so my heart thanked me for doing some exercise.
Waiting to be sexually harassed at breakfast
As part of “getting the band back together”, we booked lunch with Jack. I had missed him during my month away. We had become close friends during my July stay. And the three of us always have a great time together. Jorge chose Yate de Cordova where we had a great meal in July. This time everything was equally delicious: grilled sardines, tortillitas de camerones, asparagus, coquinas, rabe, sardines. The monkfish was amazing. I really enjoyed being back in Spain with amazing seafood.
Great lunch with Jorge and Jack
After lunch we walked back to our flat and stopped by the building’s swimming pool. It even had a restaurant/bar. Unfortunately, when we tried to order an iced coffee, we were told they didn’t have any ice. A bar without ice. Not good even for Europe! The water was lovely and Jorge flirted with a sexy daddy nearby. He’s incorrigible.
Of course Saturday afternoons are made for a siesta. So we went upstairs and fell asleep quickly. Jorge wanted to hit the beach after since the sun didn’t set until 8:30 pm. So we went down to our favorite Eden chiringuito and enjoyed the final hours of sun. The water had gotten much colder since July. The locals all said the currents had changed and the cold water was being brought in directly from the Atlantic instead of being pushed up from Africa. We were home again by sunset and enjoyed seeing the colors change from our place for the first time.
Back at Eden with Jorgito
Dinner that night was at our favorite La Pepa tapas restaurant. The waitstaff greeted us warmly as always. It felt great to be back home in Torremolinos. We ate our usual favorites of fried merluza, oxtail buns, and tuna rolls. The quality was simply amazing. Then we did a pub crawl to see José at La Catalina and ended up at Vida. It was Saturday night and all the places were hopping. Luckily we got home by 2:30 am and managed to get a decent night’s sleep before our big day on Sunday.
Jorge and I were excited to have breakfast at our favorite Cafe Ávila with Andrés and Alexandra. It was like we had stopped off at our aunt and uncle’s house for breakfast. They are both such lovely people. They had survived the crazy August but worked very hard. Soon the crowds would be dying down for the season.
We had such an amazing meal out in the countryside near Antequera in July, all of us wanted to return. Pep was just arriving by train from his place in Barcelona to spend more time with his mom nearby. So we picked him up at the train station and headed to Caserio del San Benito. This time we brought a good friend of Jack’s, Fernando from Argentina who also lives in Torremolinos. The five of us were in for a wonderful treat.
Great to see Pep again
The tomatoes that we have all been dreaming about since July
This time we got a table upstairs in a charming dining room. From the moment we arrived, the service was friendly and super attentive. Even the big boss came by our table and chatted us up for a long while. We started the meal with the amazing tomatoes that we had all been dreaming about all summer. Simply par-boiled and peeled, these tomatoes were the most amazing thing I had ever eaten. The big boss explained that the olive oil is from their farm there and they get the sherry vinegar from a place nearby in Huelva. Top notch ingredients make an amazing dish. Next we did a round of raw oysters, salads, chickpea stew with squid, croquetas,... A few bottles of wine later and it was a perfect meal. As we did last time, we moved to the terrace for dessert and then coffees. THIS is why I want to move to Europe. Not only was the food and ambiance amazing, but the conversation was also deep and meaningful. This group of people were all super interesting. Jack and his partner have been struggling for a while. And the four of us had lots of opinions of what he should do. He knew he needed to break up but that’s always hard. He lived in Jack’s flat. This was going to be hard for both of them to part ways.
Our merry band on this very special Sunday
Dessert and coffees out on the terraza
Pep and his mom in great spirits
After our meal, Pep invited us back to his mom’s place for more drinks and fresh grapes from the garden. Last time we visited, his mom had just gotten over COVID. It was great to see her recuperated and much happier. It was a joyous afternoon. By the time we made it home, we were overdue for a nap. The big afternoon had caught up with us.
By 10 pm, our bodies were reminding us that we hadn’t eaten in hours, if not minutes. All last summer I had wanted to try this Brazilian crepe restaurant located in the picturesque Pueblo Blanco. We didn’t have a reservation but they managed to offer us their last free table. Nestled in a little plaza, the restaurant surrounds the central fountain. It’s very Spain land at EPCOT in Disneyworld. The best part is that the crepes were delicious. Jorge and I debated for about one minute if we would each order a crepe or share one. Our waistlines lost and we ordered two. We knew that they weren’t small but we enjoyed every bite.
As Jorge was returning to Madrid the next day, this was our final evening together. So tradition required us to have a drink at La Catalina on the way home. As always, we had a nice chat with the owner José to finish off the night. Life in Torremolinos is like living in a small Mediterranean village because that’s exactly what it was. It is familiar and easy. It hasn’t taken long for me to feel at home here. It is rare to leave my house without running into a familiar face.
A nightcap at La Catalina
Jorge and I started the next day at Churrería Único. Don’t judge us! You can’t eat pan con aceite y tomate everyday! Luckily Jorge and I vibe well with food. All it takes is for one of us to suggest something, and the other says immediately, “Por favor!” As I dipped my churro into my thick and delicious hot chocolate pudding, I knew I was going to have a great day.
Breakfast of Champions - churros y chocolate
Jorge loves to walk down the Torremolinos boardwalk to Benalmádena. The day was already warming up but it felt good to get out and get the heart rate up. Being Spanish, the walk includes a noon caña (which feels like 10 am if anywhere else in the world.) I have gotten used to it now. But a “mid-morning” small beer really isn’t bad. Sort of.
A nice mid-morning beer. WHY NOT?!?!
We invited Jack to join us for lunch at Cafe Ávila as he had never been! Andres greeted us warmly as we took our seats for the menú del día. We all ordered different starts of fideua, croquetas, and mixed salad. Then for mains we had ribs, grilled chicken, and rosada grilled fish. By this point I had learned that whenever I am with Jorge, I have to order a dessert. He has made it clear that it is unacceptable that I order nothing especially when it’s included in the price of the meal. So we’ve created a secret signal communication where he verbally chooses between two. And then I ordered the one he didn’t choose. That’s true friendship.
Our menu of the day
Fideua - sort of paella but with noodles!
As we were finishing up lunch my friends at TAP Portugal were calling trying to deliver my lost bag. Amen. So I left lunch and high-tailed it back to my flat. I was never so happy to see a €4 bag in my life. This summer had been tough on all the airports throughout Europe. I am just glad that both times, my lost bag had been found. Jorge and I both took a well needed siesta before walking him to the train station. I really enjoy my time with Jorge. I would be back in two weeks to meet my brother and his wife. And then we would be off to Egypt together at the end of September. More than anyone, Jorge had been my significant other throughout my time in Europe, albeit non-sexual. We’re just good buddies who enjoy our time together.
Good Morning Torremolinos!
I spent the next morning settling into the flat. With a year of traveling, the settling in is an important ritual. I travel with just a few momentos but their presence in my life helps me remind myself of who I am. I have grown especially fond of the iPad that I use as a digital frame. I am very nostalgic and love seeing pictures from my entire life. I have purposefully set the display length to four minutes. So they don’t change that often. If it updated more frequently, I would just stare at the pictures all day and not move.
For lunch I headed to “the other leading brand” of menú del día restaurants, Quinto Pino located just across the street from Cafe Ávila. My meal started with salmorejo soup and then chicken skewers. With a glass of wine, I was a happy camper. This Spanish “Happy Meal” sure made me happy.
Salmorejo
One of the residual effects of being in Portugal was that I kept saying “obrigado” to all the Spanish people. My brain hadn’t quite figured out that I had returned home to Spain. I loved seeing the looks the Spanish would give me once I had said “obrigado” to them. The look was something in the category of “stupid tourist”.
I began the next morning over at Jack’s helping him with some issue with the FBI. He was renewing his Spanish visa which required some document from the FBI showing he was a fine, upstanding citizen. Unfortunately, there was some email/browser/two-factor authentication issue. Along the way there was an issue with his email password which then made our progress come to a screeching halt.
As we worked, Jack’s soon to be ex-partner was packing his things. Jack had given him a deadline of Sept 1 and that was tomorrow. It seemed like he still hadn’t figured out where he was moving but he knew he couldn’t stay in the apartment after that. Breaking up is hard to do.
After I left Jack’s, I visited several Chinese grocery stores near him. They had a nice variety of items including fresh Chinese vegetables. I also picked up some frozen shui mai dim sum and I was super content. I used to cook lots of Asian food so this was helping me feels more at home here. I went home and cooked a delicious Chinese lunch.
By 3 pm, Jack had gotten off the phone with Yahoo! Mail. I was actually very impressed that he spoke with a human at Yahoo and got his email password resolved! In this day and age, I would have never imagined this would happen. Then with using his son’s US based cellphone in Los Angeles, we got the code from the FBI that we needed to access the report! SUCCESS!!! Retirement living has its challenges but then living outside the US adds to the fun. Many systems are not set up for US citizens living outside the country.
That afternoon at 6 pm, Terry and I met with our therapist Joy on Zoom for joint session. Our phone conversations hadn’t been going well and I felt like we needed a place to help figure it out. Joy has worked with us for years through many bumps and hurdles. Terry and I both suffer from a fairly high level of “transference” with her. We honestly believe that she’s our close friend and that we love her. I have read that this is a common occurrence for people and their therapist. We have started to joke about it. We have even asked how long we would have to wait to actually become her friend after we stopped seeing her as a therapist. The answer is a decisive “one year”.
Before we left Berkeley in May, we had one of our final in-person therapy sessions with her at our home, more specifically in our guest house. We first began seeing her eight years ago when we were thinking about building the guest house. This would be a huge project and it would be trying on our relationship. So we ended up in her office. We also were organizing a huge event for our 50th birthdays and our 25th anniversary. Both of these projects were huge and Joy helped us with the project management and the meeting deadlines. The bottom line is that we completed both projects successfully and are still together! My mom would have been very proud we turned to a therapist who got us through it all. She used therapists throughout her life both individually and with my father.
So when Joy came over for our therapy session in the guest house, I asked if in our professional relationship, I could make dinner? She said no. But I love to cook for people!! We compromised on “heavy hors d'oeuvres”.
She had been such a support to get the guest house built that I wanted her to see the fruits of her efforts. It turned out to be a lovely evening and I was proud to share the space with her. The hygge was strong and inviting that night. I am sure I even cried. And needless to say, the food was outstanding as a small demonstration of our affection for her.
So it was to Joy that we turned via Zoom to help us through this difficult period of adjustment with our Sabbatical. I proposed the idea of doing a session with Joy back when I was staying with Paul and Susan. Things weren’t working. We needed help.
As soon as I saw her face that evening on Zoom, I teared up a little. It was so good to see her. We began updating her on what our conversations had been like. I was surprised that there were things that had been happening that she didn’t know. Terry continues to see her individually. But he didn’t tell her about things like when he said,
“You hate [our neice]!” This was a big moment. But it was important to share it all now so we could figure it out.
The other issue that was hard for me was that Terry had been telling me “I miss you.”. A lot. What was he trying to change by saying this? I was concerned and feeling pressured that I wasn’t doing enough for him.
In the end, he shared that it was just how he was feeling and not that he wanted anything from me. This year of sabbatical was meant to have me step back from the role of supporting Terry. He needed to stand up on his own. And when he needed support, he had friends, family, and Joy to turn to. But Carl wasn’t going to be there the way that has happened for the past three decades. We talked about how it was important that I be given space to focus on myself. I needed to figure out where I was and what I needed.
At one point I was frustrated and began asking, “Terry, can you explain to me why you have chosen the Sabbatical that you are pursuing…” And I stopped talking. And I said, “Terry, you don’t have to justify your choices of your year to me. The point of this year is that we only have to answer to ourselves.”
Joy spoke next. She shared that she was just going to cut me off as I was asking that question. She agreed that Terry didn’t have to justify his choices to me. But I had figured that out without her saying anything. This felt like a great moment of progress. Part of the space we offer each other this year includes not judging each other’s choices or offering our opinions about them.
Two months into this experiment, I felt like we were beginning to figure out what we were needing from The Sabbatical. It wasn’t all worked out. Instead we just were taking small steps to make it work for both of us.
After the session was over, I can’t say that I was in a great mood. Therapy is hard. After I often just need some quiet, reflective self-care time. So that is what I gave myself. I hoped that Terry had heard me say that I loved him and that I wanted us to figure this all out and stay together. When I shared that, he seemed fairly surprised to hear me say it. This is part of him that I will never fully understand. Instead as his partner, I reassure him and try to make it all work.
Not even reruns of Friends or Family Guy could help me that night. I just lit some candles and sat there. Therapy had taken a lot out of me. But I think we ended up in a better place. And I still had hope.
The next morning was the big day for Jack’s now ex-boyfriend to move out. I had offered to help him move the boxes. He is a nice guy. But at 42 years old, he still needs to grow up and become an adult. He had been relying on his good looks and gregarious personality to find sugar daddies to take care of him. But at his age, you should have a job and be able to take care of yourself financially. This breakup was going to force him to do exactly that. Or it will at least until he finds his next sugar daddy. I wish him all the best.
The good news is that he gave the house keys back to Jack. This was a concern that we had talked about at lunch on Sunday with the guys. I come from the “assume best intentions” camp. Jack said Livan needed to return his keys on the evening of August 31. In Spain, they have the fortress type doors that have locking mechanisms with moving bars throughout the door. To get the door rekeyed can cost over €800.
But in the end the Livan returned the keys to Jack without ceremony. I strongly believe that you always should expect that people will do the right thing and then they prove are capable of that. Living your life any other way invites negativity to take over.
Unfortunately, by 9 am that morning Livan hadn’t actually figured out where he was going to live. Jack was holding firm. So somehow, he got Jack to agree that he would put all his boxes of belongings in Jack’s car. And then they would live there until he finalized a place to live. It was exactly clean but by the end everything was out of Jack’s apartment and Livan was no longer staying there.
Throughout the past couple of days, I helped Jack stay strong. Livan needed to move out. But Livan was a master manipulator and he would try to figure out a way to stay a couple more days. Then a week. Then a month… He needed to follow through with his September 1 deadline and I was there to make sure it happened. Sometimes your friends can help see things more clearly, with less emotion and less baggage.
I encouraged Jack do some self care for the rest of the day after such an emotional morning. He said he was going to go to the gym and then come home and enjoy his quiet apartment. After being awakened often by 5 am arrivals home from partying, screaming, and fighting, peace at home was what he needed.
I finally put together my SF Lego. It makes my place feel a little bit like home.
That afternoon around 7 pm, I had my friend David over before he started work at the hotel. I hadn’t seen him for a month and we had lots to catch up on. I told him that I was going to do heavy tapas. He’s a great eater and I love cooking for him. I cooked up the rest of the shui mai which were new to him but loved. He’s not a super adventurous eater so I was glad to offer him something new that he liked! I also cooked some small peppers, and made secreto pork with garlic bread. I was glad to see him even though it wasn’t for very long.
Spain has some lovely basic ingredients
Great to see David again.
Lots of tapas for David. He's such a good eater.
After he left it was still early and I had been chatting online with my friend Thiago who I discovered lived in my new building! So I went down and we had a nice chat. We had gotten to know each other at parties and in groups with common friends. But this was the first time that we spent time together one on one. It turned out to be a great evening. Like so many others, he left Brazil to try and make it out in the world. His story of love, loss, and perseverance was fascinating as he has navigated Western Europe.
I met Thiago in the summer of 2021 as COVID was just loosening up. On my second day in Torremolinos, an artist friend of Jorge’s, Javier, invited us to his 60th birthday luncheon at the Eden Beach Club. There were twelve of us and one of them was this stunningly gorgeous Brazilian with a ripped, hairy body. He was in his mid-thirties and I turned into a bumbling idiot when I tried to talk to him. Prior to COVID, he had been a very successful DJ. That evening I googled him and he has DJ’d all around the world. Many videos on YouTube show him spinning his discs in front of crowds of thousands of people. At one point, Jack’s then boyfriend Livan came up to me and told me, “Thiago thinks you are really hot!”. WHAT? This super star, celebrity hunk is attracted to this dad-bodied, mid-fifty year old? I was flattered but my guard was up.
At one point, I realized that the midday Spanish sun was intense and I needed to reapply sunscreen as we all were standing around in just swimsuits. I grabbed my sunscreen from my bag and started to coat my body. Thiago was seated nearby and offered to do my back. Sure! After about a minute, he abruptly stopped and sat down. He apologized because he had started to get an erection as he rubbed my back and needed to sit down and cross his legs! Oh my god, was this really happening? It was like the start of a bad porno movie. For the rest of the afternoon, he was flirting and I had the confidence of a middle-school, fourteen year old girl. I had to leave because I was meeting up with my friend David. And at that point, we had been at the lunch for five hours!
After talking to Thiago more that afternoon, I began to be cautious with him. He was a gentle kind spirit. But I feared that COVID had put him in a needy financial position with no DJ work for over a year. I didn’t need to pick up more baggage let alone be someone’s sugar daddy. That summer was about me getting out and enjoying the reopening world. I naturally like to take care of people. But there was a red light for me. So nothing happened beyond that.
So here I was on a late evening at his place in Torremolinos. And I was hearing about his journey since leaving Brazil. The thing that most impressed me was his perseverance. He has had to start from nothing at three different points in this journey. That is so hard to do. I have never had to do that. And he’s done it three times. He also supports his family back in Brazil. He talked that during COVID, with no income from DJ’ing, he started to do sex work to pay the bills and help him survive. He amazing looks and body and he used them to survive.
I am very pro sex work. It’s been a part of humanity throughout the ages. The fact that there remains any stigma to it is tragic. A good friend of ours in San Francisco was a dominatrix for many years and even ended up meeting her husband through her work. She has written several books on the subject and speaks so articulately about it. I shared with Thiago about our friend Rita and her amazing successes all the while trying not to sound like I was saying, “Some of my best friends are sex workers.” This wasn’t a Lifetime Movie of the Week.
As COVID has lessened, he is booking more DJ gigs. And supplementing that work with his escort services allows him to earn a living and support his family back in Brazil. He is proud that he now supports himself and isn’t dependent on a sugar daddy. He will phase out the sex work over time when he is less reliant on that money. But for now, it is working.
We also talked about my journey and what I thought I was looking for. Both he and I have found lots of community in Torremolinos and that was important to have in life. I was fascinated with hearing how dating works when doing sex work. He said they are two distinctive things. Sex with clients has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. It’s easy to compartimentalize the two.
When I finally said goodbye at 2 am, I had a big smile on my face. I had gotten to know a genuinely, nice guy. For a long time, I had been put off by how attractive he was. But to sit and get to know each other was so rewarding. All the awkwardness that I just to feel has now evaporated. And a nice friendship has begun.
My left over tapas that David and I didn’t finish turned into a great omelet the next morning. Friday morning are a surf paddle day and I needed some energy. By the time I made it down the beach, Jack and others had begun inflating the boards with the hand pumps. This “warm up” helps get your heart immediately pumping. Today the sea was a little rough and I wasn’t sure my skill level was up to it. But Jack guided me saying that you can paddle on your knees which helps the center of balance. He also shared that he sometimes just enjoyed lying down on the board to feel the calm and the waves. So that’s what I did. I stood up as much as I could but ended up mostly lower to the water.
Every time I do a DiverSport activity, I meet new local people. This is one of the reasons I joined the gay sports group. It’s also nice to meet people somewhere other than the gay apps or in a bar. Many days some of us will hang out after we’re done doing the activity and thus community is built.
Boys and their boards
That afternoon I met a Cuban named Jorge for coffee that also lived in Torremolinos. Being a small village, we quickly realized that we had many friends in common. He like many others was a hard worker holding down two jobs to help him move up in life. He really liked the high quality of life in Torremolinos and had dreams of buying a flat and starting his own business. It was a brief meeting because he had to get to his job as a waiter. But I know our paths will cross again.
Around 8 pm as the sun started to set, I walked into the center and found a table at my favorite Bar Jerez. As I have mentioned before, this is the time of day when the heat finally goes down and the locals all come out for a stroll. All over Europe, the seating is set up so that all the guests face the street. This makes it easy to enjoy watching the world go by. Bar Jerez is on a walking street with lots of things going on including the occasional street performance. I enjoyed a beer and some tapas of tuna, fried shrimp, and Malaga salad. As I had eaten a big meal after my paddle surf, it was nice to have a smaller dinner.
Writing at Bar Jerez
A light tapas dinner
I woke up in the morning and brewed my coffee. I felt rested, happy, and content. This was working. After two months, I was getting to a place where I was comfortable and fulfilled. My friends from “back home” continue to tell me how happy I look when we FaceTime. I am definitely noticing it too. And chosing to spend my third month back in Torremolinos was giving me a lot of pleasure.
This new flat had a great balcony where I could sit and write as I enjoyed looking at the sea and appreciating the changing colors of the landscape. I finally put my San Francisco Lego skyline back together and that helped made my temporary place more like my home. Throughout my time in this flat, the balcony became my favorite place to hang out at any time of day.
At noon that day, I met a guy from another gay social networking app called Recon. I am really enjoying meeting people this year and seeing what I can learn from them and their lives. José and I spent a really nice afternoon together. He is a manager at a fast food restaurant down the road in Fuengirola. He is like so many others that take home about a thousand euros a month. At 30 years old, he still lives with his parents to save money. He is out to them and as they age, he supports them in at variety of ways. He has only traveled to nearby Portugal and Morocco but looks forward to saving up for a bigger trip. I am realizing that I was living in a huge bubble in my world in San Francisco. All of the people I surrounded myself with were from similar economic backgrounds to mine. Thus our interests stemmed from what we could afford to do. Hearing about José’s happy and content life really helped me understand how most people from the working classes approach the world. I have learned to speak differently about my situation and sabbatical this year. I no longer share that I retired in June. For most people this is just confusing. In Spain when you retire at 67, you get your pension from the government. Most people don’t have 401k or similar investments. The idea of retiring at 57 just doesn’t compute for most. Also I am slow now to share that I am traveling for a whole year. I am beginning to feel embarrassmed about the luxury of it. For most people saving up for a Ryanair week-long vacation is the big outing of the year.
Back in Malaga with Jack for a movie and dinner
That afternoon Jack and I trained into Malaga to see a documentary called “Fire of Love”. My old work wife Lindsay loved it and so we made an excursion of it. A French couple researched and documented volcano eruptions. It is a touching story of their love and shared passion. Some of the footage that they captured is spectacular. Their love story spanning multiple decades brought a pang of sadness to me. I could feel I was missing Terry in this moment. I would have loved to have him seated by my side watching their life together.
After the movie, Jack and I strolled Malaga’s vibrant walking streets until we found a nice restaurant. As we always do, we ordered a bunch of dishes and shared them all. I love eating out this way.
By the time we got back to Torremolinios, t was around 11 pm on a Saturday night and the gay nightlife was just waking up. But Jack and I both decided that we’d just prefer to go home and get a good night’s sleep. Sometimes it’s nice being an old fart. No FOMO here.
On Sunday, I spent the day with Brian. He and I had met online during July. He was an energetic, Irish guy who does quality assurance for an Irish software company with an office in Malaga. He was bi and had just started his exploration of his non-straight side. We never ended up meeting before I left for Portugal, but he continued to text me and chat. So now that I was back in southern Spain, we needed to meet.
Maybe it’s the teacher in me but I have always enjoyed being a mentor I like helping younger guys navigate the world especially with coming out and sexuality issues. When we lived in Berkeley, we met a number of younger guys from UC Berkeley that just needed a strong mentor. Terry and I, being the senior statesmen, have stepped up into this role a number of times. As a result we have made incredible connections and life long friendships. These days the young guys are proficient at finding sex online. But they don’t understand how to be functioning gay or bi people. They don’t have lots of role models unless they have family members who are well adjusted members of the LGBTQI+ community. Most are not that fortunate.
Brian was interesting because he had an aunt that lived in the US who was lesbian and had a wife. He also had a lesbian cousin. So his family had some proven community members and he didn’t have to be the pioneer. Identifying as bi, there is often an invisibility since he dates women. The assumption is that he is just straight, no pride parade needed. Most bi folks live their straight lives without mentioning the bi side. It’s private and they often don’t think there is any reason to come out.
I definitely identify as bi and fall somewhere between zero and six on the Kinsey scale tending to a four or five. But it always amazed me that when I sang with the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus, none of the 300 members identified as bi. And if I mentioned the fact I wasn’t a six, it was often dismissed as confusion or failure to commit. I think the younger generation is embracing the bi label as they demonstrate more fluidity with sexuality.
So Brian came over around lunchtime and we grabbed some burgers at 3 Monkeys. It’s a great deal for a €9 huge burger that comes with fries and salad! We stuffed ourselves and then headed down the gay beach club. He had never been to any of the gay places so it was fun to show him around.
Like so many that cross my path, Brian also really likes older people. In the gay community we are known as “daddies”. He shared that he also really likes cougars, older women. He’s 24 and likes all ages but has a preference for fifty-somethings. Who am I to tell him whom to be attracted to?
Another common issue with younger people is that I think that pornography has messed them up a bit. I agree with columnist Dan Savage who says that porn is to actual, real sex as kabuki theater is to real life. It ain’t got nothing to do with it. We parents give our kids their first smartphones around the time when they are hitting puberty. And the first thing they do is watch porn. I affectionately referred to my son’s iPhone that I pay for as his porn delivery device. So as Corbin’s parents, we had a number of awkward conversations discussing porn, how to use it appropriately, and how to adjust expectations to real sex when the time comes.
I also have some issues that our children are being exposed not just to vanilla porn but also, just as easily, to extreme fringe porn. When presented with a list of different categories of porn, thirteen year olds around the world click through the list instantly losing any innocence that might have still been there. You ask any fifteen year old what “Two girls, one cup” is and most will have some knowledge of it unfortunately.
That’s why I think budding young homosexuals, bisexuals, and anyone that isn’t a Kinsey zero, can benefit with some guidance. At 24, Brian had a few experiences under his belt but was still walking blindly through this new pathway. Luckily many people figure out things fairly well on their own. But I am happy to lend lots of advice to an eager learner.
Brian was like a happy puppy dog meeting me and experiencing Torremolinos. After the beach, we grabbed some beers and went back to my flat to get clean and hang. I made us some simple dinner and the evening passed quickly. On the way to the train station, we stopped in at a couple of gay bars that were just beginning to come alive. Being a newbie, it was best to give him a small taste of it all before having him jump in head first. By the end, he was grinning ear to ear and said he would love to hang out again next weekend.
I woke up the following morning with a hankering. I wanted a BLT for breakfast. And I happen to make a mean one. Using some amazing Spanish tomatoes, and good bacon from Mercadona, I soon was eating exactly what I was craving. Nirvana.
Today I was being disciplined and focused on my writing. It was going well when I made time for it. But after a number of hours my stomach was saying hello. Luckily my fridge had the contents for some Asian lettuce wraps with Chinese eggplant and shrimp. It was an amazing lunch that I finished up for dinner too. I really enjoyed eating a day’s worth of food that I actually prepared myself. So far the thing that I am missing the most with my year is daily cooking. The temptation to eat out is too great. The opportunity costs to be in Spain often have me choosing restaurant meals. I can cook more after my sabbatical is over!
Prepping for a lunch at home
Lunch out on the terrace
Nice to end the day with a little glass of vermouth from David's village
DEAR READER: After my amazing lunch, I finally was ready to post another installment to Flyertalk. I have dyslexia and am the worst proofreader. Normally I would have Terry, the professional writer, proofread anything I write. But this year I am flying solo. So I apologize if the errors you find in this writing are distracting at times. I like to think of them as adding color to my writing. It’s part of the direct connection that this trip report offers.
The wonderful thing that I am discovering is that I love the feedback I am getting from you, the readers. It is inspirational at times. It makes me want to keep writing. And I appreciate that. Not only do people leave comments in the thread, but I receive lots of direct messages. These also are very useful. I am not a writer by nature. This is something new and challenging for me.
I am surprised that Google Page Count tells me I am currently 133 pages into this endeavor. And that doesn’t include any of the pictures. I am always writing in arrears. But I am enjoying the experience of writing so far. And many of you have shared that you are enjoying it too. I am glad.
I just wish I wasn’t two months behind in the writing. Right now, I am sitting watching the sunset in Thailand as I write. It is spectacular. I had originally programmed my time here in Phuket to be a writer’s retreat since I have done many Thai touristy things before. It is working. The writing is flowing.
I have just decided that I am going to end this chapter here. It feels like a natural pausing point. I promise that in the next days, I will continue to write about my adventure that includes Egypt, South Africa, EK First, Dubai, and getting sidetracked to India because of SQ new Suites and a Jaipur wedding. There is a reason that I am two months behind in sharing my journey. It’s simply because I have been experiencing life in the best possible way. It’s a good problem to have.