It appears that you’ll be flying eastbound, so I shall throw in my red eye staff travel survival guide. It s bit of an industry secret so after disclosing this to you, please don’t share too widely.

1) Spend the day leading up to that evening’s departure as you normally would. Limit caffeine intake during the day and go minimal if you are an early riser. Be mindful not to overdo any alcohol consumption, it will affect your sleep and will also send you full Naomi Campbell if mixed with sleeping pills. The mix is more potent than a SpaceX Falcon 9 LOX and RP-1 mix.

2) take a calming and stress free route to the airport you are departing from, allow plenty of time and have something classical playing in the background.

3) Now this is where it starts getting important, this part is critical. After checking in with a beaming smile on your face throughout all interactions and proceeding with check-in agents, TSA Qs and agents you MUST maintain the smile and find a suitable clear areas near the gate listed for your departure.

4 ) having claimed your space complete, IN FULL the following routine ;


Repeat this routine precisely 4 times at exactly 68 minutes prior to departure. You MUST maintain the same vigour and charisma as demonstrated by the presenter.

5) On completion of your reps of this routine time will be starting to get critical, so find the nearest tensa barrier podium and as you are going eastwards in flight you need to place your forehead on the top of the podium with all barrier straps released and then spin around it with your head in continuous contact with the barrier, COUNTER CLOCKWISE exactly 28 times. This will assist in your Coriolis Attitude Adjustment.

6) Immediately on completion of the above proceed directly to the desk with passport and boarding pass in hand. Don’t take no for an answer.


7) Being taser’d by the cops will be a sure sedative and induce a long sleep throughout your flight.

Now remember not to share this tip top advice and bon voyage.