So after I posted I was looking at some old reviews for other reasons, and discovered a photo of a fridge in a standard room, and it turns out there is one! I had to call down and ask, and they had to send someone to show me because I still could not find it. In my room, it is where I thought it might be ... but the door is not where I expected. There's some white wood paneled drawers under the TV, and then some white wood panels next to that that don't open ... but then the plan wood panel on the side of the entire unit does open (from the bottom, with no handle or other adornment to make clear that this is anything), and there is a tiny mini fridge inside.

They should tell housekeeping that any time they see drinks sitting out on the counter and the ice bucket filled, as was the case in my room, to leave a little note pointing out where the fridge is...