So a revised guide to being upgraded on BA:

1. Buy First Class ticket
2. Bring partner – make sure to refer to him/her as a millionaire, billionaire or simply as Elton John, despite the fact that the ticket he/she is flying on was booked with Air Miles (which displays a certain proletarian irony, in order to gain sympathy from the staff).
3. Demand upgrade – you know they will balk at your request, this is only step 1 of plan A.
4. Step 2 of plan A: start vigorously snogging said partner (good luck if it’s Elton John). The more adventurous might want to opt for foreplay or full intercourse if check-in area isn’t too cold.
5. Step 3: pounce of Special Services, as they will of course be sympathetic, after all aren’t you just the kind of passenger that BA wants to carry…
6. Step 4: relax in your BA First seat, within reach of partner… ideally seated at the very opposite of the cabin, so that you can have an intimate conversation at full voice, thus further justifying you are truly worthy of your place in society.

Plan B: Pick a partner that isn’t a tightwad twat.

Joke apart this is both ludicrous and shameful – don’t mind the upgrade but offering one after such a public display of idiocy really takes the biscuit.