Minor update, first cut. I've added a couple of necessary definitions and added a section on hygiene. Still a bit of a work in progress. Comments are welcome.

DEFINITIONS

Deem: A process by which we make a binding decision based on scanty evidence to support it. Usually made in the context of Operational Reasons.

Enhancement: A change to something that improves our well being. It does not necessarily improve things for you, but it is important that you think it does. Thus, most changes we make will be described as enhancements. If it doesn’t make things better for us we wouldn’t do it.

Tariff: A legally binding statement of terms and conditions of carriage, often purported to be imposed at the time of purchase, usually without your knowledge and express consent. It explains with an abundance of legalese and bafflegab how we can get away with providing you with something other than what you thought you bought if it suits our operational convenience. It also explains how and when we can hose you in the event of IRROPS (See below).


HYGIENE

According to Skytrax we have the least filthy aircraft in North American airspace. But notwithstanding this prestigious third party endorsement of our hygienic prowess, some of you seem to have the idea that we need to clean our aircraft. While sometimes we do see the need to clean the aircraft, it is important to understand that it’s not us that soils the aircraft, it’s you. You have no idea the crap and detritus that some of you will bring aboard our aircraft. And then leave it there! Moreover, while it used to be just crap and detritus, now it’s germs! As in deadly germs! D-E-A-D-L-Y! Really! And they blame it on us!

To combat this contagion that some of you seem to wantonly spread around we have adopted a program called “Clean Care+”. The thrust of this program is to make sure you’re clean before you board, and to provide you with the means necessary to clean the aircraft yourself.

Firstly, we will be checking out how hot you are before you board. As you may or may not be aware, in the past your hotness may have been judged informally and usually surreptitiously by virtually anyone nearby. If so, it resulted in a highly subjective assessment of your hotness based on your visual attractiveness. This hotness quotient carried no particular consequence except perhaps momentary gratification of the observer and the remote possibility of a free upgrade. Going forward, however, we will take a more proactive and objective approach, which entails measurement of your body temperature to determine your hotness. This will remove all subjectivity from the assessment and leave no room for argument or personal bias. If we find you are too hot to handle we will deem you to be unfit to fly and rebook you on another flight as long as a medical practitioner has declared you to be not so hot. So to avoid this inconvenience it is best to remain cool at all times. Being intentionally hot will no longer improve your chances for an upgrade.

Secondly, we will be enhancing the cleaning grooming of our aircraft. This involves providing you with materials and equipment with which you are expected to sanitize the area you occupy before and after you use it. After all, it’s not us that causes the mess it’s you, so it’s only reasonable that you should clean it up. And when you’re finished we kindly ask that you take the wrappings with you so as to not leave behind any additional detritus. And please don’t touch anything on the way out.

Thirdly, since we can’t trust you to effectively sanitize behind you, we will be disinfecting your space by electrostatically spraying all over the place with hospital grade chemicals. Electrostatically. Hospital grade. We think that you’ll think that’ll kill almost anything you leave behind.

Finally, we will require you to wear a mask while flying with us. This will be interesting when we do the identity check as you board, but we’re sure we’ll work it out one way or another. To help things go more smoothly we encourage you to renew your driver’s licence and passport photos while wearing the same mask so we can eliminate any uncertainty about who you are.

Remember, we’re all in this aircraft together, and what you catch we catch. These measures are intended to ensure that you keep your contagion to yourself, so your cooperation is important to our personal well being.