We had a seriously bad stay at Hotel B last January. We checked in at 5pm and were given a nice welcome and a glass of champagne. They didn’t have our dinner reservation. Or anything else we had contacted them about. Never mind. They gave us room 130 which was spacious and light. We liked it. We unpacked a few things and got the room organised which took maybe 15 minutes. Then we went downstairs and left our key at the reception, thinking we would like a long walk. But the woman who checked us in now told us there was a big party with music right next to our room so she wanted us to change rooms.

Now, why on Earth did they only now realise this? This farce took half an hour to resolve, not what we wanted after a nightmare 4-hour drive from Paracas. Our next room, 230 I think, was dark, gloomy, and not nearly as good as our first room. The man who was assisting us said it was an upgrade because it had a balcony and that was what made it better. OK if you want to choke on the traffic fumes, I suppose. We declined this lousy room. So they gave us Suite 410 which was acceptable but still not as good as our first room. They said it was the best room in the house. Oh really? Air conditioning in all three rooms we ‘inspected’ was seriously noisy so we ended up switching it off to get some sleep. Everything about our room seemed get in our way. There was a desk but no power sockets which were miles away. The claw bath had a sharp metal foot that was guaranteed to break a toe if you wanted the lavatory at night. To figure out the lighting system you needed to have a Nobel Prize for science. We needed assistance to operate the blackout blinds which went up but not down. Etc etc etc. Everywhere totally bonkers design ruled over practicality. The room was seriously annoying.

We had dinner in their restaurant - a tiny, stuffy room with five tables and just six diners. You could also eat snacks at various other places which were basically just noisy bars with teeny-weeny tables. By this time the party was in full swing next to our original room. The rap/rock music in the bar beside the cramped restaurant was almost deafening. This was a seriously awful dining environment. The food was nothing special. I chose suckling pig with quince and pear and what arrived on the plate was a frazzled piece of pork, a thick dark brown smear and an underripe poached pear. It looked like something you regret stepping into on the pavement. My wife had a fish curry which wasn’t really a curry at all and came with Chinese-style fried rice. Weird. We only had one course as we hated the room so much.

The next morning Hotel B was a far happier prospect. The noisy hip-hop scene had vanished. The hotel is a virtual art gallery and so oppressively chic is it that I expect many guests regard themselves as works of art. The downstairs areas were appealing, though, and the breakfast room was exceptionally pretty. Great coffee and lovely blueberry pancakes made up for the previous evening’s disaster.

I regret not going to the Belmond place down the road. I thought Hotel B was everything that a Relais & Chateaux member shouldn't B.