The way I see it the OP can only “claim” customer service issue for the “severity” of interaction between said hotel staff/manager and his wife.

Everything else, the hotel is correct in denying your wife check-in and all the benefits associated with it and I applaud the hotel for doing it.

Maybe I missed it, why did the OP expect someone else to (in this case the wife) to check in without confirming second guest name ahead of time with the hotel, AND expecting to still check-in?

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The way I really see it
The OP has done this many times and finally hit a property that does it by the books. Customer service aside because who knows how the OP’s wife reacted since she may have done this many time without issue, a lot of “finger pointing” both ways. In reality if the OP wasn’t showing up, he really wanted the benefits for the wife (because I for one want the same for my gf or family as well if put into this position). Somewhere in here there was a DYKWIA, maybe from both sides. (Speculation here of course )