There is one, and only one kind of cheese that is acceptable for a burger: American.

Peas and sauerkraut are pure evil in vegetable form.

Different kinds of leftover pizza cannot share the same Tupperware, even if they’re not touching. Because then my delicious cheese pizza starts to taste like my wife’s green pepper and onion pizza.

Jack. Isn’t. Bourbon.

Server: “Is Pepsi okay?”
Me: “Is Monopoly Money okay?”