I haven't even One-Timed you yet so don't go bragging as everyone knows that you are delusional beyond the help of medical science. Times may have been hard but they were never so desperate that I needed to lower my standard. If I want a bag of old bones, I'll go to the Butcher not the Cairo Camel Dump.

I can truthfully say that the only reasons I'd allow CIHY in my bedroom are

1) When he is serving my morning tea

2) When he is serving my breakfast

3) When he is making the bed when I have left it

4) When he is cleaning the room and the windows which he forgot to do last week.

Whilst I will agree that he makes a song and dance about anything and everything, he is not some cheap blousey belly dancer. Which reminds me - how is your weight watching going? Up? I thought as much.

As for the idea of you snooping around my house in general and under the bed in particular, what you have overlooked is that I moved from the address that you conned out of one of my colleagues.

My teeth are my own - although rumour has it that you pinch Qatar's (or whoever's) crockery as it is no secret that you are the Sterodent Senior on any of their flights. If I ever found out that you had done such a thing, I would pitch whatever was in the mug in the toilet and chuck the mug out as short of sterilisation, no human should ever use it again.

Now - please resume all discussion about the demise of those quaint little tea cups and the arrival of the mugs.