Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the E-Jury:

As counsel for the defendant El Bandido Zorro I respectfully request summary dismissal of this patently frivolous lawsuit on the following grounds:

1. Expiration of the satute of limitations

2. Jurisdiction. The alleged crime on IB took place outside the jurisdiction of this court since there is no independent thread for IB on FT. The alleged crime on AA took place before Internet time. All civilised nations have honored the principle of nulla poena sine lege.

Should the venerable court decide to proceed with the action, I apply to dismiss on the grounds of lack of evidence. There exists no evidence other than hearsay. Our team has researched the facts and has established that

· My client has a long history of back pain, as evidenced by numerous medical certificates, among them from Doctor C. Mepagas Certifico from the internationally recognised Centro de Salud Municipal de Villariba de Conejos, Provincia de Caceres, Extremadura, Spain. It is therefore slanderous to claim that my client stated dishonestly that his back hurts. Moreover, as evidenced by said medical certificate, the pain increases as a function of the proximity to coach/tourist class seats.

· As evidenced in Affidavit IIc 1) attached, sworn by my client, on the flight AA 3967 from Portland to Barcelona on the Feb. 29, 1991 he sat in Seat 46E until 1h 45 after take off, when his back pain increased considerably. He pressed the Call Button overhead in order to request a glass of water to take with his medication. After 35 minutes no response came from the flight attendants, and he rose (under considerable pain, I might add) to proceed to the galley and obtain some liquid for his medication. He found three (3) flight attendants, one of which was busy applying her lipstick, the other two in heated disussion about the relative merits of the shopping facilities in Barcelona and Paris. Proceeding further to the washrooms in the hope of procuring some water, he found that one restroom wasa blocked with the excess luggage of the crew, and the other one had 8 adults and three minors waiting.

The backpain having increased on account of the movement required (which prompt attention by the crew could have alleviated) my client weighed the consequences of crossing the dividing curtain into Business Class. I might add that this decision was not taken lightly and was solely prompted by the concern for his health. Upon finding that the entire cabin had been darkened he proceeded in the direction of a small ray of light emanating from behind a further curtain, which he later found out belonged to the First Class Cabin.

Again considering the potential negative consequences of crossing a further threshold, he stumbled into the F Cabin where Granny Flyer received him and, being clearly preoccupied by his condition ordered him to sit down. The tone of her voice indicated that she was fully in command of the cabin, and was authorized to act in such fashion by the Captain. May I remind you,Your Honor, esteemed E-Jury, that according to the Warsaw Convention of 1948, Art 38, Para II, Subsection c, the instructions of the Captain of an aircraft have to be obeyed at all times.

Clearly, given his experience on the plane so far, my client was convinced that a glass of water for his medicine was not likely to be given easily by the crew. He therefore decided to offer some donation to the Single Female Over 55 Flight Attendant Retirement Fund in order to procure an alleviation to his ailment. For this purpose he had taken out US$ 50 from the College Fund of his eldest daughter, Mari Pili del Zorro. He was saddened and disturbed by Granny Fliers insistence on $ 100, but in light of his reduced faculties, and in gratitude for a few hours in Seat 2C he decided not to press charges.

Should the Court decide not to dismiss charges on the above grounds, I respectfully request dismissal on the grounds of negligible value.

Even if my client is judged to have obtained payment for services fraudulently, these services have no value after the closing of the doors and completion of boarding. No body offered to pay money or miles for an upgrade at the time of the alleged incident, neither did the Airline offer these seats in exchange for any monetary consideration. Indeed, my client suspects that the First Class Seat was offered to him in order to deflect possible lawsuits for breach of contract caused by the lack of service and care due to passengers with a medical condition in coach.


Finally, should the court decide to find my client guilty, I must consider the propsed punishment, marriage to Granny Flyer, as unnecessary harsh and cruel. Since a similar incident is alleged to have involved my client on Flight 3308, with Chief Purser Seņorita. T. Tagrande (aged 21), Flight 4562 with Chief Purser Srta. Q. Lore Dondo (aged 22), and Flight 5589 with Chief Purser P. Erna Larga, I request that my client shall be married to either of these young ladies under the law of the Central District of Isfahan, Isl. Rep. of Iran, which provides for temporary marriage licences for periods not exceeding 12 hours. My client has offered to pay for the cost of accomodation during the wedding night out of his own Frequent Flier/Hotel Reward Programs.

I rest my case, Your Honor