OK, it's Friday, that's my excuse for this one....


San Jose, the “Downtown” Airport
Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

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Fast-Talking Kind of Guy
A pilot obtaining a clearance from the rapid-fire Trenton controller who shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can say it again once... slowly."

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ATC: "Alpha Bravo Charlie... Say altitude."
Pilot (feeling frisky): "Altitude."
ATC: "Say ALTITUDE!"
Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "Say 'Canceling IFR'."
Pilot: "Level 8000"

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Pilot to Tower: "Can you give me a rough time-check?"
Tower: "It´s Tuesday, Sir"

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Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

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Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

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ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

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O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

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727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

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Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer.
Solution: Took hammer from little man.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious

Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words