Originally Posted by BigLar

Checked all that first.

spoolsv.exe and spoolss.dll are where they're supposed to be. The spool directory is empty (since the spooler was never started). The Print Spooler Service does not exist.

I tried executing spoolsv.exe directly, but nothing happened.

In the Advanced tab of System Properties (Advanced->Performance->Data Execution Prevention) I added spoolsv.exe after turning on all programs. It still will not start.

Curiouser and curiouser.