Wow, thanks OP, you gave me a really good laugh! I do hope that was your intent.
I guess I don't fit your perspective of a premium passenger either. You will only find me in F when using a SWU or via a UDU. I work for an IT company where office dress code is pretty much shorts, t-shirts and sandals and that is pretty much how you will find me dressed in F, unless I am coming straight from a client to the airport, then my appearance will be more acceptable to you. Also, I use the restroom frequently as I drink 3 litres of water a day and I used to enjoy the old version of American Way, now you will find me using Gogo (when it works). Looking forward to sitting next to you in F sometime.

I should add, I think many of the other posters got it right when it comes to DL and UA and upgrade clearance. When I used to fly DL, I was a PM and upgrades were pretty rare.I did notice however, that often times FCM enabled F fares that were only slightly higher than Y fares. I even remember one time when F was cheaper than an M class Y fare, but I still had to purchase the M fare due to corporate policy. Back when US was in *A, I would fly UA and often get offered (and usually accept) TOD offers to F for under $100, even on routes with meal service.