This is literate, funny and entertaining. Please continue!
I've been to CDG many times, always as an 0&D passenger, but I still could've told you that you never, ever want to transfer there. For those long walks, I've found that you're best off grabbing one of the ubiquitous (and free) baggage carts and then zooming along as if you were the official "scooter" entry in the Indy 500 . . . .