Ah, this is a great one.

Hampton: Low-rise, cheaply built properties, except for when they're high-rise properties like in DC or Vancouver or renovated historic properties like in Freeport, IL. And they don't have restaurants in them except for when they do (the last one I mentioned did).

HGI: Can be 3-4 floor wood-frame suburban/airport hotels, except for when they're high-rise towers in urban centers. Generally entry-level hotels, except for when they're far nicer than the Doubletree and Hilton branded properties down the street in the same city. Have a small restaurant only open for breakfast, except for when they have a full-service restaurant open all day like Cafe Deluxe in the DC West End location or Pigalle in the NYC Times Square location.

Doubletree: Mid-tier full-service business hotels that may or may not have a lounge, pool, business, center, restaurant, bar, gym, spa, etc. Designed to fit in slightly below the Hilton brand...except that many times they're nicer than the Hilton branded hotels. Of course there are also the family resort hotels like the Phuket property; in that case they aren't any of the above at all. And then there's the Arctic Club; what the heck is that?

Hilton: The company's namesake, a flag-bearing line of full-service hotels which may or may not be newer, older, more or less run down, or have more or fewer amenities than the Hampton, HGI, DT, ES, HS, Conrad, or WA down the street. It just depends, ok? Jeez, give them a break already. This hotel-running business is hard.

Embassy Suites: All-suites properties, mid-tier, offers a manager's reception, or wait, am I talking about Homewood? Homewood has a duck, I know that much.

Conrad: Are you in Asia? If so, then awesome 4-5 star business hotel. Are you in the US? Then likely a mediocre property, probably should stay at the Hilton. Unless there is a DT, HGI, or HI which is nicer. If so, then stay there instead.

Waldorf Astoria: Hilton's highest-end brand, unrivaled in finish, service, and amenities. Wait, except for when the property is far inferior to the Hilton down the street, like in Berlin.

And don't forget about Curio and Canopy!

Does it all make sense now?