Thai Royal First lounge at Suvarnabhumi Airport

As we entered the terminal, our escort met us at the end of the jetway. The buggy ride to transfer security was quick and almost chilly with the air conditioned breeze blowing in our faces.



Our escort seemed to be in a huge hurry; after security, she was leading us to the lounge before I even had my shoes or belt back on.

Here we are in one of the greatest lounges on earth, right?



As soon as we were inside, the lounge attendant sat us at a couple of seats almost directly in front of the bar. Not only was the lounge jam packed at this hour, but there was enough hustle and bustle that it was about the furthest thing from a relaxing atmosphere. The bartenders were noisily making drinks, popping a bottle of Moët every couple of minutes and chatting away. Noise was coming in from the rest of the terminal, too, with audible but unintelligible announcements every minute or so.

We inquired about the famed Royal Orchid Spa massages; the attendant asked us whether we preferred the one-hour version or the half-hour version, then came back to tell us that the one-hour version wasn't available in the two hours before our flight. A different attendant came by a bit later to tell us that we could get a half-hour massage at 11:30, somehow leaving enough time to make our 12:05 flight.

The lounge wifi only worked on half of our devices; the others wouldn't even bring up the password screen.

I got up to use the facilities, and while a dozen different attendants bowed to me on my way, nobody seemed to be aware that the bathroom was full of cigarette smoke and the toilet didn't flush.

At least we got our boarding passes reprinted on TG stock.



Fed up, we decided to walk to our gate, having lost any faith in the abilities of the lounge staff to get us to our flight. No further mention came of our massage or lack thereof, and as we left, I commented to my girlfriend, “was that some sick parody of a first class lounge?”