Here is one I would write in response to a Trip Adviser Bad Review

Dear(Username),

I along with our junior staff cannot be more happy with your bad review. We love wasting our time reading Yelp, Trip Adviser, Flyertalk and other review forums. Just so you know we're trying to save you some money by not upgrading the tv's and furniture to the latest and greatest. We would expect you to book over at the Ritz for that. Our hotel is just a place to rest your head. We don't want to provide you with extra services.

Oh and we just had a major theft bust in our garage. Please note that our insurance company has such a high deductable rate that we've decided to only compensate our guests if they don't post such a negative review.

Had we known you were going to stay at our quaint hotel and write a bad review after we would have not allowed you to stay in the first place.

You yelled way too loudly at our staff and other guests complained about the noise.

Thanks so much for trashing your room we had such a hard time to clean it which is why we charged your credit card the extra clean fee. I hope you don't mind that we took the alcohol from your minibar for our own consumption and charged you for it. You will forgive us right?

So nice of you to have complained about our pool. We have not cleaned the pool since last summer when our new management does not know one bit about maintaining a pool since they lived in Iceland where its too cold for an outdoor pool.

Gee so our restaurant did not live up to your standards. Thats too sad too bad. Our chef forgot to set the temperature properly to heat the meat. Ay yai yai stop saying how the old waiter ignored you. He did not get a tip after he worked so hard for you. We're so upset that you did not tip him that we went ahead and added the 20 percent tip to your credit card bill.

Please don't ever return to our hotel we don't want your business. Since were a family owned operation and don't answer to a large corporation we can run the hotel the way we want and choose who can stay there and who can't. We have backlisted you and should you book through any online booking or directly with us we won't refund you because you have been warned.

Hope you break a leg this 4th of July.

Unsincerly Yours

Edgar