Excellent write up, as ever Joshua.
I've not sampled this generation of Versa yet, and based on what you and others have said, absolutely will not be making doing so any form of priority. The old model was a bit gawky to look at, but for a cheap car it was actually not that bad. It sounds as if, just with the Sentra, under the sharp new suit, things have actually gone backwards and are worse than they used to be.
Hertz have a lot of different cars in Group B now - I've not tried all of them, but would guess that the ones to try to get are the Sonic (did I ever think I would say that about a small Daewoo?), the Kia Soul, the Fiesta and the Mazda 2.
Oh, just remembered that the Golf is a YB, so actually that would be the best car in the class (and any lingering Volvo C30s which had 2.5T engines).