On a Qantas flight SIN - PERTH, WA, a hard landing was followed by the CSD announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Earth... Sorry I mean Perth."

In the preflight briefing, again on Qantas, "The smoking section is on the wing" and "Smoking in the toilet is very very naughty. If we catch you, we'll throw you off the plane. If you're lucky, we mind even land first"

On BA, "Please remember to take all of your personal items with you when you disembark. If you are going to leave something, please make sure it's something we might like to have. Spouses do not count."

On BMI Baby (RIP), "Anything left behind will be available to collect from www.ebay.com from just after I get home tonight."