My possible responses:

1. "Would that include illegal detainment like you did to Steven Bierfeldt, which resulted in the courts confirming that mall cops have more power that you?"

2. "Would that include stealing my iPad by shoving it down your pants? If so, I'd like to disable its camera first, as unlike you I have no desire to see pictures of others' genitalia."

3. "Oh - you must be talking about the sexual battery and child molestation that your agents perform on passengers every day. It's been a while since I've gotten some action, so I'd actually like to request that. How much extra do you charge for 'happy endings'?"