Not to ruin the fun, but the subject line for this thread is an ugly one. I hope someone starts a corresponding "Biggest whopper you've ever heard from a UA passenger" thread in the interest of fair play.
"DYKWIA?"
"I was told I had club access with this ticket"
"I've flown XX miles with this airline, I'm entitled to [insert perk here]"
And so on.
I'm not saying whoppers aren't told by employees -- or passengers. But that subject line strikes me as abusive toward the UACO employees whose posts in this forum are so valuable.