Heathrow Border Control
Ronnie Barker as a U.K.B.A. officer. Ronnie Corbett as an athlete. Miscellaneous USA athlete.
UKBA: “Next!”
UKBA: “Passport! Open to your picture. Thank you”
UKBA: “Purpose of visit to the U.K.?”
Athlete: “I am member of the Polish Olympic team.”
Athlete: “I have come for the Olympic games. If I am in line much longer I will miss the qualifying round.”
UKBA: “We wouldn’t want that would we, sir?”
Athlete: “I am a pole vaulting Pole.”
UKBA “Was that a joke, sir?”
Athlete: “Yes, a small joke to break the ice.”
UKBA “You have a very good command of the English language. Have you ever been in the U.K. before?”
Athlete: “No.”
UKBA: “I wouldn’t imagine pole vaulters have a fear of heights?”
Athlete: “Well, no.”
UKBA: “Have you ever installed double glazing in the Wapping area?”
Athlete: “What. Pardon?”
UKBA: “It leaks. The cat went missing and our Sandra found herself with child!”
Athlete: “I am sorry officer but I am not responsible for your wet stray pussies.”
UKBA: “We will put that aside for the moment. These Olympic games which you hope to attend - are you receiving remuneration of any kind?”
Athlete: “No money. We have a sponsor who provides our equipment and training expenses. I hope to get gold, a medal I mean.”
UKBA: “So, to sum up - all your costs have been paid for and you might receive precious metals as a bonus. Seems to me sir, that you are a professional masquerading as an amateur.”
UKBA: “Entry to the U.K. denied.”
UKBA: “Next”
UKBA: “Passport, open to your picture. Thank you”
UKBA: “Purpose of visit to the U.K.?”
Athlete: “I am member of the United States Olympic team.”
Athlete: “I have come for the Olympic games. If I am in line much longer I will miss the qualifying round.”
UKBA: “We wouldn’t want that, would we sir?”
UKBA: “Have you ever been in the U.K. before?”
Athlete: “No, but my grandfather was here as a GI during the war.”
UKBA: “Was he by any chance billeted in the Wapping area?”
[Fade out]