An anonymous FlyerTalker sent this screed to my e-mail address.

I've traced it down to an ISP somewhere in the Washington, DC area. Can someone help me track down the pondscum that sent it to me?

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If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Krismas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.

How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and write?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,
Sarah


Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer f-rt in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget xxx films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and pinching the cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping? Do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.

I'm skipping your house.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging stuff may work with your folks, but it doesn't cut it with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,
Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your butt kicked at school. Second, you don't live in house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa