I was screened at main security at JFK T8 today for my connection after coming in from T7 on a BA flight.

At the checkpoint, my backpack was pulled with the standard "Bag check" from the screener and "Is this yours? Can I look in it?" from a TSA employee (who looked like he should be working at a car wash).

TSO proceeds to disassemble my bag in search of something, then gets this glimmer of "AHA" when he pulls out my travel flashlight.

TSO turns to me "What is this? Is this a tactical flashlight?'

I cringe a bit at that "tactical" word. Now, this flashlight is a Surefire G3. Although it is a very bright flashlight, it is made of plastic. It has no sharp edges. If you hit something with it, you'd break the flashlight. It is not one of these fancy metal gizmo flashlights with a machined aluminum casing and a strike bezel. This thing is bright, and well made, but innocuous as can be.

Me: "It's a flashlight. I don't know what a tactical flashlight is."

TSO: "Why do you have this? Is it for self defense?"

Me (using sarcastic mocking tone): "No, it's for darkness."

TSO studies the flashlight, fingers it, turns it on. Fingers the front lens, and even though he's wearing blue gloves, they are kind of filthy and I shudder a bit. Turns if off, turns it on, shines it on me. Swings it in his hand to feel its heft. I suffer about 45 full seconds of this TSO playing click and feel with my flashlight.

I'm cranky from my flight, and am getting exasperated with this whole exercise, but I'm dreading how it's going to go. I fear I'm going to be asked to check my flashlight. I've already checked my one bag, and can't risk having my knapsack checked. It has my laptop, medications and CPAP machine, none of which I can afford to lose.

It dawns on me that the TSO has probably calculated I won't check my backpack, and is contemplating telling me I can't take this light on board in the hopes I will toss it and he can appropriate it. (It's about $40 for this light.) His digital manipulation of the light strikes me as the kind of examination you would do when checking out the flashlight in a store before buying it.

So, choking back my smart alec response (about the similarity of this flashlight to a vibrator), I simply give the TSO my most disdainful stare, right in his eyes.

After what seems like an eternity but was probably only 10 more seconds, he shrugs his shoulders, puts it back in the bag and zips it up. He delays me 30 more seconds for an ETD on the bag, then gives it back.

I mustered up my best "harrumph" and walked off with bag in hand. These TSA searches are for the birds.

So if anyone can give me something smarter to do or say next time this happens, I'd like to hear.


PS, here is what the light looks like: