You should have known this was a put on when you saw the words "Delta", "Upgrade" and "Transparency" in the thread title.
Alternatively, if you are offended by satire (and it is satire rather than sarcasm), you should have known you could stop reading after the first sentence: "After spending countless hours communicating with the top brass at Delta..."
Only Wall Street analysts have access to countless hours of DL top brass time.
Time for a glass of Saki. (with due acknowledgment to Gargoyle for providing the original reference)
And, BTW, well done OP^^^