I was truly shocked to read that you were inconvenienced by the fire at our ball park. [Six or eight sentences follow, capitulating your original communication in an attempt to lead you to believe that it was actually read for comprehension.] I am excessively mortified that this was totally out of line with the high standards of performance that we seek to provide. I will certainly pass on your comments to the appropriate department which, I must assure you, will give them the rapt attention which they so richly deserve.

Mr. Out of my Element, we depend upon the comments of loyal customers such as yourself in order to improve our already faultless programs.

As an expression of our remorse I am depositing in your account 6 hot dog credits [which you can only redeem by buying some more $20.00 tickets to the stadium]. Unfortunately, our policies do not allow us to provide coupons for alcoholic beverages, so I regret that we cannot reimburse you for the beer that you used to put out the fire.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We look forward to providing you the same high level of service the next time you have the opportunity to choose a ballpark.

Best regards,

[signed using a fake name] Leo Durocher, Manager, Whiny Complaint Dismissal Department