Would you like a job?

I had only been back in PDX for three days before it was time to hit the road again and scoot back to NY for two days of meetings in midtown. I left my apartment at about 6:00AM, arrived at PDX about 25 minutes later, parked at the Thrifty lot and found myself at the threshold of the RCC a short while later. Margi was in attendance that morning. I had not seen her for quite some time because I do not usually travel on Saturdays. She is very friendly and I think I like her best of all the PDX RCC concierges. I spent most of the time waiting for my flight chatting with her about various topics, in particular the lowering of 1K qualifications for next year. Essxjay, she sends her regards! Soon a pleasant Eugene-based 1K traveler joined the conversation and five minutes later offered me a job! I don’t even recall what I said to him but nothing I say is usually all that serious (or important) so I guess he just liked my jokes. I graciously turned him down since I had no imminent desire to give up consulting anytime soon.

Before long, it was 7:30 and I figured I had best journey to gate E3 to catch my sh*ttle flight to LAX. When I was about halfway to the gate, I heard myself being paged and when I ran up to the gate, I noticed the waiting area was empty. The agent said they had been waiting for me and that I best scoot onboard ASAP. Now, according to my watch, the flight still had about 14 minutes to go before scheduled departure but the agent insisted there was only 10 minutes remaining and then pointed to a large sign that said all passengers MUST be on board 10 minutes before departure. Well, I am not about to argue with the idea of a sh*ttle leaving early so I ran in and plopped down into seat 2D. And I was NOT the last person to board!

The flight was calm, quiet and uneventful. I sat sipping coffee with Baileys and reading Willamette Week while my neighbor sat filing her nails and inhaling bloody Mary’s. The weather was GORGEOUS and the pilot pointed out a few sites along the way. Most impressive was snow-laden Mount Shasta displayed elegantly off to the right. During the flight, I spent a little time conducting a comparative test of two different noise cancellation headphones. I had brought along my fourth pair of Noise Busters, which are currently on their last legs, held together with tape and crazy glue. I also had a new pair of Aiwa headsets that I had picked up from Best Buy for $50. I figured that if I didn’t like them, I could always return them.

I could not discern much of a difference between the noise cancellation qualities between the two headphones. The Aiwa headsets are bulkier but foldable. However, I am not crazy about the location of the battery, situated on one side of the head. I also would have preferred that the cord that plugs into the headset would be detachable like it is in the noise busters. If a detachable cord develops a defect, I could always replace it. I guess I have to think about this some more.

Ask Jeeves

We landed in LAX about 20 minutes early and about 10 minutes later I disembarked at gate 83 and thanked my FA and Captain Allison. After traversing the long corridor connecting terminals 8 and 7, I strode down the middle of the very crowded terminal 7 concourse, dodging beggars, moonies, groupies, yuppies and other assorted personnel whose main purpose in life seemed to be to block my path. Soon, I found myself by an elevator leading up to the mezzanine. You see, I had a very special mission in mind.

As an occasional full fare passenger travelling in employee class on a so-called “premium” transcon flight to JFK, I have been awfully confused about what special departure amenities are afforded me at each of the three respective airports that comprise this route. The facilities at SFO are actually quite clear – there is a special lounge/business center located behind the door marked “8888” positioned directly across from the 1K business center. There is really not much there – just some workstations, soft drinks, and several very bored-looking concierges. Until recently, JFK had been somewhat of a mystery but when I flew out last Tuesday, a concierge in terminal 7 told me that there is a lounge in terminal 6, equipped with a buffet and some alcohol. I have never been in there and have no plans to do so anytime soon. LAX has always been very hard to figure out and, to some extent, still is. I once asked about the existence of a premium transon lounge while in the LAX 1K room and was told there isn’t any. I asked about it in the SFO 1K room, where the concierge actually called someone in LAX and was told that I would be welcome to use the RCC. Big Deal. Why provide special facilities at SFO and JFK and not at LAX? A couple of months ago there was a FlyerTalk thread on this very topic in which someone suggested that such passengers could use the first class international lounge. This, in fact, may not actually be true, but I figured to myself – why not give it a try?

So that is how I found myself standing by the entrance to the international first class lounge contemplating what sort of reception I would receive. I strode up to a concierge, handed over my boarding pass and explained that I was travelling in full fare first class on a transcon to JFK and that I had been invited to use the lounge. She looked me up in the computer and said I was not travelling full fare but seeing as I was already there she’d let me in. Translation: We will let you get away with this now, but don’t try it again.

Not travelling full fare? Well, that was news to me. I booked it on United Connection which sold me the ticket at a about $1500 each way and it was NOT an upgrade. But I was certainly not going to argue with her about it so I grabbed my junk and entered the lounge. That’s when my butler introduced himself. He escorted me over to a cushy recliner, settled me in, asked me about my beverage and food preferences and trundled off to gather some goodies. Meanwhile, I unpacked my computer, and begged the indulgence of my neighbor so I could scoot behind his chair and plug in the laptop.

Soon the butler returned with a tall G&T, and a plate heavily adorned with sushi, lox and other yummy delectables. Before long, me, my neighbor and the butler struck up a conversation covering some of my favorite eclectic topics as flying pigs, flying dogs, annoyed terrorists, salt and pepper tubules and the sh*ttle. I learned that my neighbor had originally been destined to be on the ill fated Singapore airline flight that recently crashed in Taipei! I found him to be quite an interesting chap. He was born in Scotland, lived mostly in New Zealand, had recently relocated to Singapore and just purchased a home near his ancestral birth place in Edinburgh. A business meeting in Taipei had been rescheduled at the last minute, thus causing him to miss his original flight into LAX. Such is fate.

He eventually made it to the states, conducted some business in SAN for a few days and then the sh*ttle into LAX caused him to miss his connection to London the prior day. United put him up at a Holiday Inn and now he was heading to London by way of JFK, talking to me. What a lucky man. And as a token of our meeting, I handed him his very own copy of my special Hillary Clinton $3 bill, fresh from http://www.slick.com.

Meanwhile, the butler and other assorted personnel kept me plied with the three basic food groups: lox, sushi and gin. I guess they didn’t want me to have to bother to get off my fat arse to fetch it for myself. Or maybe, having observed the obvious gusto with which I inhaled the delectables, they figured I might knock someone over if they accidentally got in my way.

I had a REALLY great time, and almost debated whether I should switch to a later flight just so I could hang out in the lounge a little longer. By about 11:00AM, flight 904 was announced, my neighbor gathered himself together and prepared to leave. Though we were on the same flight, I told him that I would head down in a few minutes because the secret of boarding these flights is to be either first or last, I dislike waiting on line. However, the REAL reason, I must confess, is because I wanted some more sushi.

Soon, I too had to bid a fond farewell to the first class lounge. I thanked my very personable butler for his care and ventured into the abyss of LAX. What, a great guy, I thought about the butler, I gotta get me one of these, some day!

By the time I arrived at gate 75B, I rejoined my neighbor who was still at the end of a very long line, thus proving my point. We eventually boarded the plane, where he settled into 1B and I settled into 2A. Flight 904 was the fairly typical UA 767-200, adorned with a fairly shabby interior and relatively uncomfortable seats, even in first class. Missing are such niceties as in seat video, back massage and air vents. Even the foot rest terminates in an uncomfortable metal bar. If you have traveled in UA’s original 777 business class seat you know what I mean. But the service was fine and the crew was very friendly.

Shortly after I settled in, my jacket was taken and a G&T was placed in my hand. Newspapers were not offered but I was well stocked (and well stoked). We pulled back more or less on time and departed after about a 10 minute taxi. Menus were distributed and my order was taken first. I had ordered the Beef Wellington last week in business on flight 7 from JFK so I opted to give the paella try and it was not too bad. I chatted with the FA awhile and discovered that she was NY based and grew up in Massapequa. I asked her if she knew when (if ever), United would finally renovate these well worn planes but she knew nothing about it. She asked me whether I meant the new blue interior theme but that was not what I was referring to. She did volunteer that the FAs were to be issued new uniforms, which would be dark gray. I guess that is so the clothing exterior matches the plane exterior, I volunteered. But knowing United, I bet the new uniforms would take about ten years so fully deploy; they’ll probably issue them gradually to one flight attendant at a time.

Service started with crudités, followed by warm nuts and then an appetizer, which was lox or a shrimp-thing. Both of them were presented for visual inspection so you could see what you were letting yourself in for before committing yourself to either one. Breaking my very traditional habit, I opted for the shrimp-thing, which was not bad. Sorry I cannot offer anything more descriptive because I lost the menu.

A basket of rolls was presented, so I grabbed a couple which was a good idea because they were not proffered again. The appetizer was followed by an “oyster and something soup”, which was then followed by a freshly tossed salad, subdued, of course with copious amounts of freshly ground pepper. The main course was preceded by a palate cleanser of mango sorbet. I was asked for my choice of wines and asked the FA which of the reds she recommended. She held up a bottle of California Cabernet (I think) and said that most of the customers had been selecting that one. I thought about it for a moment, and said that I’d like to give the little guy a break so opted for the other choice, a Bordeaux. You know, “the wine less traveled by” and all that.

For desert, one could choose between a Crème Brule, assorted cheeses or a Ben and Jerry’s Sundae, whose precise name I forget but it almost sounded something like “Bovine” flavored, but that cannot possibly be correct. I would guess that all ice cream is somewhat bovine flavored, isn’t it? Now, a real generous FA would have offered me the ice cream AND the cheese platter but I was just presented with the ice cream. It really didn’t matter anyway because, for some reason, I was very full. That was pretty much the last I saw of the FAs for the remaining 2.5 hours of the flight. I did manage to snag a Grande Marnier on a trip back from the head but had to interrupt an important FA conversation to do it.

The seats in employee class are equipped with little personal VCRs which, on the 767-200, operate independently from the in seat audio. Passengers are provided with a list of about a dozen or so movies from which to choose and watch at their whim. I was not impressed with any of the options but eventually opted for a testosterone-laden submarine movie about an American submarine chasing a German submarine, which they take over but then their own submarine is sunk. And It blew up real good! Then their German sub is chased by another German boat which drops depths charges on them for about an hour. I don’t think I left anything out.

The main screen was showing a film about Richard Gere having an affair with Winnona Ryder. Now there’s a prefect couple, don’tya think? But I have a very strong policy against watching movies with Richard Gere so I opted to sip my beverages and stare out the window at the passing scenery below. Channel 9 did not have the pilot chatroom turned on but, mercifully, did not have Top Pops either. What they did have was “Spotlight,” featuring Paul Simon, which I enjoyed VERY much. I also don’t mind some of his wife’s music, Edie Brickell. If you are not familiar with her, there is a music video of her located several levels down on the Win95 CD.