Early AM: Assuming I am waking up and not still awake, I start with a cool glass of milk with biscoffs. If you have never dipped biscoffs in milk, you are not a true American. If you really are not even American, then hahahaha, we are better than you...

Once you get what I call the Biscoff base, you jump into the coffee. I suggest 2 cups. You should be in the air by now, so going to the head is not an issue. Drink em up! Another biscooff or 2 with each cup is suggested for caloric reasons.

Now that you have got your base and caffeine out of the way, it is time to go after what I call the Vitamin phase of the day. There is nothing I know of available in the air that is more vitamin packed than a bloody mary. You should drink one for every 20 minutes of flight time.

Before you land, make sure you drink a bottle of water as hydrating is important.

When you arrive, head to the crown room, if it is early in the day, I do not suggest drinking. Stick with beer. Beer really increases those important calories your body needs to burn to be at your best at that important business meeting. I suggest eating some real fake real cheese to get ahold of that calcium you need as well.

Once you are back to the airport after closing that big account, it is time to go to the Crown Room and get your celebration on.

Gin and tonics with lime will prevent Scurvy and malarious gasses. The more you drink, the safer you are.

Once boarding your afternoon flight, it is best to keep drinking. After you have a couple on the ground, it is time for your evening meal. Sunchips will give you the fiber you need and an apple or two will give you something good for you I am pretty sure. My teacher seemed to think so at least. Once you are done with them, it is time to commit to some real drinking. I say, stick with what works for you. If a hot chick is sitting next to you, order a glass of wine and one for her. It is scientific fact that the ladies are tricked much easier when they are drinking. Keep this in mind.

When the laptops have to get shutdown, it is time to order the plastic cupper for the approach... this is the most important drink of the day.

And then of course, take a cab to your hotel.... or better yet, hitch a ride with the hot chick in 3A.


Oh, and never eat the Twix bars or any of the candy. That stuff is bad for you....