My mother, going on 80, does not like to fly longhaul alone any more, so I regularly escort her. Old age often comes with health problems, in my mom’s case mild incontinence and emphysema. The former means it is imperative to secure seats in close proximity to the lavatories, the latter means that a wheelchair or buggy is required a certain airports, i.e. the ones which provide no airside trolleys for hand luggage, and where a very long walk to or from the gate cannot be ruled out. T5 and JNB are examples.

As the flights are booked well in advance, seating is the easy part. I reserve 65AB or JK on the UD, as the aisle seats provide immediate access to the lavatory without having to go through a galley; there is no risk of finding one’s path blocked by trolleys; and the pax to lavatory ratio on the UD is low.

Mobility assistance is a bit trickier. It is usually not possible to request assistance at certain airports only, the standard policy seems to be all or none, take it or leave it. Once requested, the chance of assistance being provided timeously, or even at all, is well short of 100%. Something goes wrong almost half the time, in my experience.

Even when the assistance is provided as requested, one needs to allow plenty of extra time between flights. The service may well be efficient from the airport’s perspective, but not necessarily from the passenger’s. A recent T5 experience illustrates this:

We were almost first off the aircraft (priority disembarkation usually does work), but there was no wheelchair waiting in the jetway. “Just wait right here, it is on its way”, said the friendly CSD. After waiting for quite a while, I interrupted two chatting BA employees. “Wheelchair? No, there is a buggy at the top of the jetway”. Oh, OK, thanks for telling us. Off we went, and indeed found said buggy. The driver then had to find another two customers, who also had to make their own way off the plane. He next took a wheelchair and went off to search for some more pax. Unsuccesfully, fortunately, because the buggy was now so full that there was no room for any hand luggage. Upon his return, he proceeded to fill out comprehensive forms for each and every passenger, after which we got underway. By this time the last crew members had already disembarked.

The B to A trip by buggy is quite interesting, what with elevators up and down, long tunnels with mood lighting etc. Our destination turned out to be some sort of wheelchair transfer station, located just before immigrations. The pax were asked to take a seat, and the paperwork was handed to two agents at a desk, who did not otherwise acknowledge their customers. After some time, a gentleman appeared with a wheelchair, and entered into a lengthy discussion with the two desk agents. The point of contention was whether he would be allowed to go off duty at 9h30 or 10h30. As a speedy resolution did not seem to be in sight, I interrupted them and pointed out that they had a customer who would soon need to go to the toilet. That produced results, and off we went through Fast Track Flight Connections, where we were directed to the security checkpoints at the far end, bypassing all the Fast Track ones. Didn’t really matter, as wheelchairs get to cut in line. After security it was the usual long slog to Galleries First. Fortunately our flight had arrived almost an hour early (yeah, amazing!), so there was enough time for my mother to clean up (she unfortunately had an accident on board, not being able to get past the trolley to the lavatory in time, before we were off to an A10 bus gate.

All this my mother and I can live with. We know how it works by now, and allow at least 3˝ hours for connections, longer if possible, which should be sufficient to deal with any problems that might arise.

I was less than pleased, however, with what happened at JNB last week. Having arrived on a domestic flight, I used the self-service machines to check in, and discovered that we had been evicted from 64JK. Upon enquiring at the ticket office, I was told it was due to an equipment change (yeah, right!), and that nothing could be done. Could I speak to the flight controller? Sure, come back in 2˝ hours. That suited me fine, we were meeting a friend for dinner at the Intercontinental anyway.

I returned at the appointed time, and asked for the controller. No, not here, she is at the check-in desks. Long queues there, but I found an agent at a closed desk. The controller? No, not here, she is upstairs. Could you call her, please? No, I won’t do that, speak to my supervisor. The supervisor was friendly and understanding. I explained the incontinence issue, and she went to see the flight controller. JNB flight controllers apparently do not deal with pax directly, so after some time the supervisor returned and said that nothing could be done. We could not be seated on the upper deck as my mother had requested a wheelchair to the gate, and could therefore not be evacuated down the stairs. Besides, our new seats were right next to the lavatories anyway. The latter point only proved that the controller was not familiar with the cabin layout, but the former was far more interesting. At first I thought that this was something BA in JNB was just making up, but I spoke to the CSD later, who confirmed it.

One could perhaps argue that we as passengers should have been familiar with this policy, but why should we be if:

• BA allows us to book seats on the UD.
  
  
• BA allows us to check-in and print boarding cards for UD seats.
  
  
• BA cabin crew cheerfully point my mother in the direction of the stairs to the UD, even though she has been brought to the aircraft doors in a wheelchair.
  
  
• BA have so far allowed my mother to fly on the UD.

I might add that other airlines (e.g. KL) have never had any issues with seating my mother on the UD, and I wonder if LH would refuse to sell her a ticket in F on the UD if she were to request mobility assistance? What about airlines with J class on the A380 UD?

In my mother’s case, the whole safety issue is moot anyway, as she has no difficulties whatsoever making her way quickly down a single flight of stairs. Her problem is walking long distances with hand luggage, which is irrelevant in the case of an onboard emergency.

The upshot of all this is that in future we shall either book on another airline, or simply not request a wheelchair. The lavatory issue is far more important.

Finally, before anybody else mentions it, I have heard of 17BJ. I actually flew in 17J on what until last week was my first and only lower deck flight. Not only are there more pax per toilet, but constant noise from the galley and having the seat banged repeatedly by people staggering around in the dark are definitely not conducive to a good night’s sleep. That actually matters quite a bit on night flights.

Johan