No, I'm sorry to say, you are not kidding. Your view of travelling sounds very familiar from others who post here.
Usually, there are several misunderstandings as part of this view. One is that driving in Europe is essentially the same as driving in the US. There are several important differences (part of the misunderstanding): road signs in Europe are completely different than in the US, written signs are in the local language (and many city names are different in different languages), driving in cities is very difficult (when it's not impossible), petrol costs are very high in Europe, some countries require you to buy a special document to drive on their roads and from the national roads you will probably take, the only "options of a detour" you will probably have are when there is road works or too many cars on the road.
There is a reason most Europeans travel by train. One of the most important reasons is that you can look out the window and enjoy the scenery, something you cannot do if you are driving a car. In the end, trains are often cheaper than cars, particularly if you buy tickets early when discounts are usually available. Trains will usually take you to the centre or near-centre of a city and have no parking costs. The chances that people in the countryside in Germany, Austria or the Czech Republic can speak English are not very good. Workers on trains in almost every country in Europe, however, can speak English.
Good luck, in any case.