With apologies to Paul Simon (I didn't even have to modify the lyrics much)

50 Ways To Grope a Flyer

The problem is all inside your head, said the TSA to me
The answer is just to take it illogically
We want to help you in your desire for safety
There must be fifty ways to grope a flyer

They said it's really not my habit to be rude
Furthermore, I hope my actions won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to grope a flyer
Fifty ways to grope a flyer

You give their butt a whack, Jack
Or a pat on their can, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
You get a feel free
They won't make a fuss, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
There's a lot there to see, Lee
And you get a feel free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
By the time you fly you'll begin to see the light
And then she fondled me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to grope a flyer
Fifty ways to grope a flyer

Check out their crack, Jack
See if they're a man, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
You get a feel free
They won't make a fuss, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Don't stop at the knee, Lee
You get a feel free