To the new director of the TSA:

I've written your first speech. Instead of saying it's been a "great year,"
what if you could admit, "We're not perfect, we're sorry, and we're working on it?"

We apologize for failing to protect an exit at Newark this evening, causing millions of dollars of delays, in waves that will be felt throughout the country. We weren't doing our job, and we have cost Continental, the Port Authority, passengers, and crew endless inconveniences. We're sorry. We'll do everything we can to prevent this from happening again. We'll work on it.

We apologize for overreacting last week, shutting off entertainment systems, banning blankets and magazines, and frisking passengers to the point of going through their hair. We're sorry that we became paranoid about shoes. It wasn't an abundance of caution; it was an overreaction. We're sorry. We'll work on it.

We apologize for the milk you pumped for your baby, the pie you baked for your family, the perfume you bought for your girlfriend. We know that these aren't weapons, and we made a mistake by banning them. We just can't admit that we screwed up and reverse the rule. We're sorry. We'll work on it.

We apologize for making you wait in a line extending far outside the terminal because we instituted "unpredictable screening" and started patting down all male passengers. Or that we made you wait on a hot jetway while we frisked passengers or checked their IDs or asked inane questions. We know that this doesn't do anything for security, and we're sorry. We'll work on it.

We apologize for barking and snapping. We know that's not professional or appropriate. We'll try to do better next time. We're sorry. We'll work on it.