· Blankets and Pillows will no longer be complementary but instead will be rented to passengers (hereinafter referred to as “Geese”) prior to takeoff for $10 plus a $45 security deposit (sorry but credit cards only). Blankets and pillows will be collected by FA’s one hour prior to landing. Geese failing to return requisite pillows/blankets will forfeit their security deposit.
· On International flights, the moving map will no longer be displayed. In lieu of this, FA’s will tape a paper map to the bulkhead wall and passengers will be allowed to throw darts at the map indicating their best guess of current location. Should a First Class Goose inadvertently strike an FA or another Goose with a dart, they will immediately be moved back to coach.
· Geese hands must be clearly visible during the last hour of flight. In order to comply with this regulation, Geese will be asked to play ‘Paddy Cake – Bakers Man’ with their adjacent seatmate.
· Geese must remain in their seats for the final hour of flight. FA’s will be issued Tasers to enforce this rule and may at their discretion, Tase any Geese attempting to get out of their seats.
· Restroom usage (hereinafter referred to as Blue rooms) will be considered to be a privilege and Geese must first request permission to use the Blue Room by raising their hands and asking, “May I please….”. Also, Blue Rooms will be coin operated and will require four quarters in order to gain entry. A change machine will be located in the galley.
· Any Geese needing a diaper will be sold same for $5 (again sorry, but credit cards only).
· In-flight entertainment will no longer be offered. In lieu of this, Geese will be encouraged to sing such songs as “Fly Me to the Moon’’. Geese on the right side of the aisle will sing the main vocals while those on the left side will provide the chorus, hum, and clap. Any Platinum members found to be singing off-key will immediately be reduced to Gold status.
· Geese will be allowed the privilege of undergoing an intensive FBI background security check. Those Geese passing such an investigation will be considered non-terrorist threats and will be classified as “Angels” and will wear a halo on their head indicating to FA’s their puritan status. Angels will enjoy special privileges such as being allowed first priority to use the Blue Rooms.