He does - no doubt - write far better English than the example quoted in your post.

"and the food being rubbish"

Honestly - he gets worse!

Now I am sure that it is all too worrying for words but I am sure that your friend is not quite so horizontally challenged (sounds like my old telly) that he will need to be shoehoned into the seat.

Let's call him Cuddly - that is far more pleasant.

Now my Angel asanyone in any form of counselling will these questions about "My Friend" are often euphomism for onelself. So tell me Poppet - if it is you. Are you cuddly if you do not mind a rather intimate question.

Anyway if it is really for a friend it is so sweet of you to try and not embarrass him. So go on - it is Saturday night and I have a date with an ex-copper, the Bombay, Tonic, the DVD, and a Mushroom Risotto in that order.

XXXX