As we approach Sacramento Airport in my dad's minvan at ten o'clock, a uniformed TSA officer with a military gun in his hand stops the car. "Citizen, I need to check your Verified Real (VRID) and registration." My dad hands the TSA officer his ID/registration, and the officer runs it in his database. "Congratulations, Mr. Andy1369's father. You're not a terrorist. However, please pay that speeding ticket you got in Auburn by November 7. I see you're dropping your son off for travel today to travel on American Flight #9101 to Washington Reagan. Citizen, you have precisely five minutes to drive up to the designated drop-off point. If you're not out of airport premises by five minutes, you will be charged a $50 airport extended drop-off fee. Andrew, have your VRID ready. Being at the airport four hours prior to departure is mandatory. Your airline will be prohibited from checking you in if you're not at the airport within that time frame. Have a nice day and a nice travel." He pushes a button, and the gate preventing people from passing the officer "check" slides open. Dad drops me off, we share a terse goodbye, and I stand on the sidewalk, waiting for the tram that would take me to the airport (dropping people off at the curb right next to the airport entrance was eliminated in 2010, due to a bomb threat, so designated drop off areas are 300 feet away from the airport). Another TSA officer, armed to the teeth and wearing a helmet, approaches me with a taser gun one hand, a X-RAY detector wand in her other hand. Without a word, she quickly beams the X-RAY detector wand over me, and walks away without any comment. The entire "waiting space" has two officers standing, with military guns in their hands. The tram arrives, and as I am the only one standing there, the boarding process is quick. The tram takes me to the airport entrance, where there is a line already formed.
The bottleneck is due to a TSA officer scanning VRIDs and airport approval passes (printed online from the TSA, using a code given to me by American). Without a word, my ID and airport approved pass is scanned, and the airport door slides open once the green light buzzes. (A visitor? Allowed, only with 48-hour advance permission and background check.) I check in, then head to the actual security checkpoint. The usher at the head of security wand me quickly, then I wait in the 1-hour line. Halfway into the line, I am handed a robe, then escorted to a changing room, where I unpack my clothes and put them in the plastic bag handed to me. After that, I go through the body imaging machine, and am handed a cup to pee in to be drug-checked. While I wait for my test results to be given to me (30 minutes), a TSA officer with a nightstick and shotgun sits down and interviews me. "Andrew, where are you traveling today?" "Washington DC." "Why are you traveling to the District?" "Going to school." "May I see your university ID?" I hand him my University ID, and he scans it in the system. "I see you owe The University $1456.78. Do you plan to get a loan?" I nod. "I see here that you're majoring in Communication Studies. Citizen, communication studies is considered to be a mild threat, due to the possibility that you could be handing terrorist information through other means of communication. I also see here that you downloaded a copy of Microsoft Office 2003 back in 2004 illegal. Your file also says you attempted suicide in 2005. You are not a clean citizen, so why should we allow you to fly?" I have no answer. Just then, my drug test arrives. "You're clean, citizen. Your credit score shows that you pay on time. However, the porn you watched last night on your HP laptop, along with that pizza you ordered from Round Table Pizza, indicates that you're not conforming to the new laws regarding obesity and chastity. As a result, I have added you on the Suspicious Travelers' List. In the future, you will be required to arrive to the airport six hours in advance before travel, and will be given an in-depth drug test and be interviewed by the FBI. Today, you are free to go on to your departing gate and board your flight. Please pay the $225.00 government Suspicious Traveler's fee, or you will be arrested for a lack of compliance to the TSA. I will also have you be tasered, for giving me that dubious look. Officer Hiltered, please come and taser this citizen." I get a painful tasering, then am pulled on the floor towards my gate, dumped on a waiting seat, and am given my plastic bag of clothes, which I would put back on once I arrive to Washington Reagan and am cleared through TSA Domestic Customs.
"Security is such a pain," the woman sitting next to me mutters. Five armed TSA officers run towards the woman, handcuff and taser her two times, then carry her away. "You have committed the crime of slandering the TSA through libelous means. You will be added to the Prohibited Travelers List, Sharon Goodyear." the head TSA officer says coldly and in a monotone. Sharon is dragged away, sobbing. On my flight, I try to artfully avoid the glare of the camera mounted on the back of the seat in front of me, and read 1984 without being caught by the TSA officer roving the plane each now and then. Upon arrival to DCA, on the jetway, I give the TSA officer my ID and approved airport pass to be scanned. "Suspicious traveler, stat," the officer exclaims, and pushes a button. The door opens with the green light, and I am escorted by a TSA officer to baggage claim, where I grab my baggage and walk outside to the tram, where I am taken back to the real world.
Written by: me! (feeling creative today)
Read, discuss, analyze, worry, feel relieved...
