The Truth About “Economy” — One Percenter Exposes Injustice at 35,000 Feet

People don’t want to believe that, in this day and age, terrible violations of civil liberties could be committed on American soil. And those people are right. Because according to one-time economy passenger Richard Van Horton, those injustices are being committed in the skies.

During a press conference at his Fairfax, Va., home Van Horton detailed a flight he had taken earlier that week wherein he was confined to what he called a “dungeon with wings.” Due to having endured “gross violations of my human rights and basic dignity,” Van Horton announced that he’s enlisted the help of the ACLU in order to bring litigation against the offending airline.

“As an offensively wealthy individual I have a natural aversion to the ACLU and its do-goodery ilk,” said Van Horton. “But after enduring conditions that would be considered tame by CIA black site standards, I’ve begrudgingly accepted that maybe they have some useful applications.”

The ordeal began when Van Horton’s assistant was out sick, leaving him to book his own airline tickets for the first time in over 15 years. He selected a seat in the economy section of the plane out of his affection for the very concept of the word “economy”.

What he found onboard was a different story altogether. According to Van Horton, the cabin was subjected to a number of conditions which have been expressly outlawed by what he called the “super-secret fifth Geneva Convention,” including:

• A constant loop of USA original programming.
• Passengers were denied access to potable water and were instead taunted with Dasani. “Dasani!” a red-faced Van Horton said, pounding the podium for emphasis.
• Passengers were denied sleep via an insidious mechanism. Seats could be reclined but at a difference that’s perceptible enough to fill one with a “sense of impotent rage” and little more.

Van Horton is also seeking additional damages for the emotional distress caused by a child in the seat in front of him having absconded with his nose. “I mean, where are the aux pairs in all this?” said Van Horton. At the time of reporting, the nose had not been returned.

The plane landed after two hours and forty-three minutes, leaving Van Horton to determine that he was granted his freedom through what he believes must have been “tireless humanitarian efforts.”

Van Horton’s voice cracked and his face flushed as he said that while he is physically free, “my mind remains confined in a middle seat, my elbows denied the reprieve of an armrest. I will not back down until justice is served and the elbows of my soul liberated.”