colonius

Yep, it has been a bad year. Little travel, no DEQM. And just like eightblack, I am addicted to my 1K status - BAD United!

So what to do? I am currently 45,000 miles short with only one more European trip required this year. Not enough. First measure of choice from the West Coast to Europe: take a detour through HNL. The ticket HNL - Germany is not that much more expensive than from SEA. And SEA-HNL is a bargain at the moment, starting at about $320 roundtrip. Still not enough. Throw in a short hop to Australia, from HNL, of course - what else?

So here is my routing, some time in December, shortly before the Christmas madness starts:

Day 1:
SEA - DEN - HNL

Overnight at HNL and early morning flight next day.

Day 2:

HNL - LAX - SFO - SYD - MEL

No chance of an upgrade to Australia, since the fare class is too low. Same day turn-around in MEL... continuing with day 4 due to international date line

Day 4:
MEL - SYD - SFO - LAX - HNL - SFO

This time, the date line helps to cram more flying into one (LONG) day! Again, no chance of an upgrade on the international segment (K class). Continuing on day 5 without a stop in SFO

Day 5:
SFO - ORD - MUC

This time, W class and everything waitlisted. Almost there now... just a short hop the next day!

Day 6:
MUC - CGN

Time to sleep. Time to do some business. Time to do some christmas shopping - I also have a wife and two kids. The wife shares the mileage addiction and the kids pout - they currently don't have any status, which they resent a bit. Understandable, considering that my son made AA Platinum for the first time at the ripe age of less than a year and has been 1P in the past... oh well, the gifts will get a bit more pricey, I fear.

Day 10:
CGN - MUC - FRA - SFO - HNL - SFO

Time to go back home, taking the scenic route, of course! Again, waitlisted for FRA-SFO (but should have a chance, Q fare).

Day 11:
SFO - SEA

Finally done. Sleep again, drive home.

Is it worth it? I hope. A lot will depend on the future of UniCon and the further "enhancements" to come.

The statistics:

Total EQM: 47,786
Total RDM: 95,572

Total cost: $ 2,977 all-in (6.2 cents per eqm)

Excess cost over the required trip to Europe: about $1,800

The potential for mayhem and mis-connects: priceless!

And for the way back from Germany, I will even have some check baggage for United to destroy or misconnect...

Am I nuts? Certainly. Warm nuts, in little ceramic bowls...

flyupfront

Colonius, all I can say is WOW. If you don't literally fall apart after this Mileage Run I'll be surprised. I sure hope your upgrades come through!

travelsavant

Let the MR Tales Competition Begin! Eightblack has established a very high standard of TT's, but with this itinerary Colonius, you have the ingredients for marvelous mishaps translating to scintillating stories! Of course, with the way things are going for Eightblack, he'll probably be on most of your flights [in C, upgraded to 1st].

Are you up for the challenge, Colonius ?

Modern 49er

OK, I'll weigh in on behalf of Mrs. Modern 49er who, blissfully, shares my addition. I thought she was going to settle for 1P this year after planning about 50.5K in BIS. Then, just when it becomes clear that DEQM ain't gonna happen, she gets the wild hare that 10 transcons to SFO would do the trick. Books it. 8 down, 2 to go.

OK, not exactly the Oz - west coast - Europe itinerary, but all domestic and almost all on IAD-SFO routing (read: upgrade battleground).

I sure hope this is all worth it, given the various "enhancements" that are either on the table, or about to be.

Cheers.

130 fsw

Dude- (oops sorry, Mate-)

Brutal, but start your own thread for the play by play, please. Eightblack's is a classic. Good luck measuring up.

I always thought this expression was wild hair, not referring to a large rabbit .

rally

colonius , please report your trip and send us a postcard,

Good luck on the upgrades, at your first chance hit the RCC, smooze the nice lady and show her how insane you are, maybe she will take pity on the "insane" and try and help with some of the upgrades,
Or maybe she knows another nice lady at your next stop who can help.

looking forward to your report, post a link on this thread when you start

have fun

Rally

dsquared37

Sounds much less painful than a wild hare.

Modern 49er

Excellent question. Not knowing the real answer, I consulted the always-reputable web sources and found the explanation below. I bet eightblack could have written this better and had us all rolling off our desk chairs in side-splitting laughter, but this isn't bad:

"There are two expressions, wild hare and wild hair. The first refers to or compares someone or something to the natural skittishness of breeding
hares in spring, especially in March (ergo Lewis Carroll's inclusion of that creature in the Mad Hatter's tea party). To have a wild hair (up
one's butt) is a vulgar expression indicating an obsession or fixation of some sort. "Wild" in the first instance denotes erratic behavior like
that of hares in rut. In the second instance "wild" characterizes a stray or unruly strand whose indelicate lodgment is the figurative cause of someone's perceived mania."

eightblack

About 10-years ago, I lived in Nebraska. Loved every minute of the place.

There was at the time, only 2 Aussies in the whole state. Which is not surprising. It's not like you see full page ads in all of the Australian major newspapers advertising "Life on the Prairie".

In addition, it's also probably not the first holiday destination on most Australians "bucket list".

Anyway, the other Aussie was a girl. At least I think she was a girl. She worked in a place, which really was called "The Aussie Pub". Except there was nothing Australian about it, apart from the fact that someone had stolen a Fosters sign and hung it in the dingy window.

Right then. What were we talking about?

Oh that's right, Nebraska.

Apparently, when I get sick, my heartless wife reckons I don't suffer in silence.

This one particular time I couldn't get rid of a very persistent cough. Everytime I did cough, it sounded like I was bringing up a lung.

She Who Must Be Obeyed made an appointment at the clinic and must have instructed the receptionist to give me a complete medical. She however, conveniently neglected to tell me of this fact.

I drive myself off to the medical rooms and announce to the rather large receptionist that I didn't have very long to live and was there a Priest on the premises. I told her that yes in fact, I was dying. Could she please ensure that my ride on mower went to a good home…

"Useless male…" I heard her mutter under her breath.

About 5-minutes of waiting and another man-hating woman arrives.

"Mr Eightblack, please follow me" she snaps.
"Yes indeed" I reply
"Please go into this exam room, and remove all your clothes and pee into this cup" she commands. "And put this robe on. Someone will be along shortly"
"I'll do no such thing", I curtly reply
"What!" she says incredulously
I said, "Look lady, I'm here to see someone about a cough. I'm not getting naked and wearing a bedsheet. Besides, we just met. Normally, I like to have dinner first, perhaps share a cheeky chablis. Make small talk. That sort of thing".

She was not amused.

Clearly she had had a personality bypass at birth. Or something like that. And what was even clearer is that she wasn't going to back down.

I finally relented, provided the DNA sample and put on the robe. Just to annoy them, i put it on backwards and tied the strings at the front. Moments later, some junior person came into to collect my pee sample.

"Miss, I'll need that back when you're done with it", I said firmly
She looked at me with a sense of nervousness.

"Excuse me?" she said
"Yes I'll need that back. It's very valuable" I responded

She shook her head, and left the room. Rather quickly.

Now I started to get a little nervous. Less than half an hour ago, I was sitting in the safety of my own home, watching yet another informercial about the benefits of the Ab Ripper 2000, and generally minding my own business enjoying life in the midwest.

Fast forward 30-minutes later and there I am, naked as a jaybird, in a very large and imposing medical clinic, in a country where no one really understands what the medical profession does all day. Except get rich. And sue each other.

And the last time I looked, I didn't need to be in my birthday suit to have someone look down my throat with a flashlight.

The exam room was standard size and had a wash basin to one side. The wall was littered with posters from local attorneys offices and rather large posters of some guy called Tom Osborne. Allegedly, some sort of football legend.

Then I saw it. It was sitting on the ledge above the basin. All alone. In big letters across the jar, it said "Medical lubricant". Not to be taken orally. I thought to myself, what on earth is that doing here?

I started to fidget.

Then there was a knock on the door. A rather large doctor with a round moon face came in. He had one of those high fructose corn syrup induced smiles - like he just ate all the left over donuts in the break room and drank a half gallon of Mountain Dew.

We shook hands and he introduced himself. So far so good I thought.

"What seems to be the problem?" he calmly enquired
"Nothing" I said bluntly
"My wife is having a bad day and decided to take it out on me" I continued
"Really" he says
"Yes. Look, all I have is a sore throat"

"It says here I'm supposed to give you a full medical exam" the Doctor proffered

"But Doc, I don't need a full medical exam. I feel fine. I really do. Just give me some antibiotics and a medical prescription for dope and I'll be on my way"

He ignores my comment, without so much of a smile.

I tell myself that these Cornhusker people need to get out more. To live a little. Or to take up drinking something a little bit stronger than Bud Light.

He says, "Look, it wont take long. Better to be safe than sorry"

I felt like telling the large man in the white coat that he didn't exactly look the picture of health himself and maybe he should take his own advice and give himself a full medical.

So we go through the routine. Touch your toes. Check your reflexes. Cough twice. You guys reading this will understand. All quite harmless. Slightly uncomfortable. But harmless nonetheless.

Then he says,
"Right, we might just have a quick check of your prostate"
"My what?" I say
"Your prostate" he says rather calmly

Now at this point - I was in my early thirties. I had no idea what a prostate was.

He says just lie on your side on the table and face the wall.

I thought, mmm, strange. Must be a new way of checking for sore throats

Regrettably, I do what I am told. (It will never happen again)

The next part happened in a blur. The first hint of something going terribly wrong was when I heard the sound of latex. As in the glove kind. As in being put on by a man.

Then I smell lubricant. As in petroleum jelly type lubricant.

Suffice to say, what happened from this point had nothing to do with examining my sore throat.

I felt like I had been invaded by Martians. I screamed in terror as I felt hands in a part of my body where…you get the idea.

"WHAT THE…?????" I yelled. At the top of my lungs.

It was no good. I was writhing about on the exam table like a stuck pig. The language and screaming was guttural. Medievil in fact.

I was yelling out "Lord Jesus, help me, Lord have mercy on my soul. Lord, there's a 250 pound Nebraskan man with latex gloves on, a tub of KY jelly and a miners helmet with flashlight on his head. He think's he's looking for gold.

"Help me Lord. Help me. Someone call 9-1-1"

Or something like that.

It was truly the most horrific experience of my adult life.

Thankfully, the ordeal was over in less than 5-minutes. I couldn't speak. I was in a complete state of shock.

The doctor pretends like nothing has happened, rips the gloves off and proceeds to scribble on a notepad.

If he's writing down his phone number and asks me out on a date, I'm going to belt him in the head I say to myself.

I was told to get dressed, which i did in record time. The doctor bids me farewell and says the test results will be mailed to me. I felt like saying you can frame them for all I care, I'll never set foot in this mad house again.

As I walk out of the clinic, personal lubricant was running down my left leg, I was walking like i just got off a camel and my left eye-brow was twitching.

As soon as I got into the car, I called my wife. The yelling began in earnest. In my haste to hurl insults at her for making me a human guinea pig - I should have realized that she had put her phone on speaker, so that her entire office could hear.

There were howls of laughter at the other end…

I hung up in disgust.

The point of this rather long winded tale of terror is this...

Colonius, I would rather go through another prostate exam than do the MR that you are proposing. You are definitely insane. Are you really that nuts? You do realize that you're doing this on UA? In December.

A 47,000 EQM mileage run can only end in tears…not even I would contemplate it.

I will pray for your soul. You silly man

milepig

I'm just trying to figure out how one books and prices this.

HNLescapee

I've been all proud of the fact that I'm flying about 18,000 miles (all domestic!) between 12/4 and 12/12 to requalify, but after looking at what Modern 49er and colonius have planned, I'm feeling seriously bush league. That said, in the next 12 days I have (solely for mileage-running purposes) the following itineraries:

ORD -> SFO -> SEA -> DEN -> LAX -> IAD -> ORD (all five hubs!)
ORD -> SJU -> ORD (it's fun telling people I'm going to Puerto Rico for 45 minutes)
ORD -> MSP -> ORD (in fairness, this one also includes getting dinner with my girlfried)
ORD -> ATL -> IAD -> JFK -> SFO -> SEA ->ORD

I can at least tell my friends that there are people out there more insane than I am...

Modern 49er

No, no, no!!!! It's not me! It's my silly wife! I'm staying home with dogs, 100K already booked.^

HNLescapee

Indeed, sir. My apologies...

busyexec331

I'll take the rabbit, thanks.

Palal

How did you price the ticket to MEL? From where?