While I agree with some of your post, my upgrade rate as a 1K in 2012 was 24%, which is fairly bad in my opinion. And I wasn't flying on any transcons or anything like that - most of my flights were in the 1.5-3.5 hour range.

#1 - I personally have never had an issue with PMUA or PMCO employees getting me on the next flight, even one time overbooking me. I have never even seen them flinch at it. I am sure experiences differ, but at all airlines this happens. It sucks but it is not a purposeful act, I do not think United is attempting to piss off elites.

#2 - Upgrades are over 80% for me on UA, I also fly out of Florida where there is more leisure traffic. I have never missed a FL-anywhere upgrade expect one MCO - SFO on a Friday night. I often miss CLE- IAD and CLE - EWR. It really depends on where you fly. There is mass over-dramatization on this board all around with upgrades. Many people have posted very good upgrade %'s

I can confirm first hand that 1k's get a hotel under weather delays. I had misconx at IAD on 1/13 because my inbound flight was late due to that inbound ORD-FLL being late due to weather

Well the new boarding process changes or "improvements" would still make me think otherwise.

I am trying to figure out if there is a "Trip in Vain" rule. It seems everything I've read in other threads says its up to the agent.
I have an upcoming MR with now expired GPUs to HKG with a tight outbound connect in SFO (of all places -- I always seem to be delayed there). My preference would be for them to just keep my money and my GPUs, send me home, and give me my EQMs.
I've *heard* this can be done, but how? Is there anything in writing regarding this?

Thank you for disproving your own claim. People hit upgrades to/from MCO as Silvers. For all of us flying out of the hubs (the routes you stated you don't get upgraded on) or even non-hub airports with a large UA presence, your general statement "upgraded 75% of the time" is completely without basis. As a 1K, I am currently 1/4 on upgrades out of EWR this year and last year was no different.

Either way....its more toward 75% than 25% for most. Out if EWR is poor...just like on DL out of ATL is tough or DFW if you fly American.

We would all like to stay home and get our EQM's but it ain't gonna happen and I don't know where you could have heard this from? Perhaps someone made a big enough stink and got winked through once, but going for this would be more trouble that it's worth and getting your account flagged for asking for it more than once would be something that most people wouldn't want to have in their record. Anyway, there are somethings to fight em about, but wanting miles for not flying is something that ain't worth the hassle, imo.

One exception is getting rerouted/rebooked on another carrier and asking for your UA miles for that flight, but one would still need to do bis!

"Trip in Vain" is fairly standard (I think it's policy, although I don't know for sure), and says that if you're outbound on a very short trip and will miss the entire point of your trip (business meeting, wedding, whatever) due to a delay or misconnect, then you can turn around in the middle and go home, and get a full refund of your fare (generally).

However, as noted...

...if you claim a trip-in-vain, you will not get the miles for the flights you didn't fly.

The major exception to LilAbner's accurate analysis is original routing credit for irrops. If you get involuntarily rerouted, and fly your original trip on a shorter itinerary, then you can routinely claim the miles for the original routing that you didn't fly (ORC). So you do have to pay and fly, but it might be more accurately called "butt flown to destination" rather than "butt in seat".

Case in point: Last year I booked a ridiculous routing for a necessary trip because I needed the extra miles (ABQ-IAH-LAX-EWR-SYR o/w). And Sandy landed right on it. EWR was underwater, so I ended up rebooked ABQ-IAH-CLE-SYR, but still got the miles for the original routing without spending 10 consecutive hours on a 753.

I researched this to death on FT and there were definitely instances where people were given a choice of a refund or their eqms. I just thought it was somewhat standard policy.
I'm not trying to get away with something. I have every intention of putting my butt in the seat for the ride, but I have an hour and 5 minute connect in SFO, and I just want to know what to ask for in case I do miss it. I don't know why UA would FLAG me merely for asking!
So, OK...
MAYBE (?) I get my tkt refunded and they send me back home for "free"?...
What about the GPUs? They expire 1/31 and it would be physically impossible for me to use them since that's my return date. Has anyone had luck getting those back and extended?

I'm just a bit nervous about missing this and dealing with a SFO agent who has no clue what to do. It would be nice to know there was an actual policy I could have her look up.

I don't think anyone has questioned whether it has happened, the concern is over the inconsistency and lack of a documented policy providing for this. Clearly some agents, esp. pmUA, have provided pmUA amenities sometimes.

I saw it happen yesterday both with PMUA agents and with PMCO agents.

My misconx was handled by a PMUA agent at IAD but at FLL there were 1k's who were advised to take the misconx at FLL and be rebooked from there the next day and they were all given hotels

So my one question about the new IRROPS would be about upgraded tickets.

Before on the legacy UNITED if you were on confirmed upgraded ticket in business or first class they would rebook you into the same class if it was available on UA metal or another airline. Mostly happened with me on International flights. After 3/3 that was gone.

On 3/5 with a flight and connection in NRT confirmed in C. Being rebooked later that night out of HND on ANA in Y. And on top of that ANA valued the ticket at $0 and if I wanted to buy an upgrade i had to pay 4k for a full fare business class ticket. Oh and the ANA flight was less then half full in business and economy. Nothing offered from ANA as a *Gold or the fact that it was a UA problem.(the 777 was late coming back from being painted!)

I asked a smaller station airport about the new irrops policies and they looked at me like i was from another planet. never heard of them.

New (JAN 2013) IRROPS policies for UA customers.
 

I have had many problems with smaller stations not knowing current policy for many things.

The best one was the baggage weight and count limits for *gold and higher. I had to pay for my luggage and then fight to get it refunded vs a travel certificate.