Porco Miseria...
Jun 23, 2019, 3:51 am
#46
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: London-Venice
Programs: BA Gold, *A Gold
Posts: 189
I don’t know when the last time it was that you caught a train in Italy or if you have anything to compare it to where you live, but in essence, if you haven’t experienced train travel in Italy on a busy day, then you just haven’t lived.
I hadn’t landed in FLR for a long, long time, and to be honest, I cant even remember if I had flown into the place at all. I might have been drinking heavily at the time.
If you blink, you’ll miss the airport.
And the laid back, “domani” approach of the majority of the Italian population must tip the buttoned up Germans right over their schnitzel.
“Florence Tower, zis is Lufthansa 435 requesting clearance to land”
“Ah Lufthansa Four Three A Five, this is a Florence. Land a anywhere a you want”
“Anyvhere?”
“Si”
Much German expletive from the German pilots.
Our little Embraer jet headed toward the terminal and it was clearly evident that the 3 ground crew working that day weren’t quite expecting us. Much running towards the jet with their wands and sticks, trying to put their cigarettes out and finishing their expressos.
I loved it. Controlled chaos at its best.
So we disembark and there are 2 buses waiting for us. Once the first bus is sort of full, someone yells at the driver and we drive for all of 100 feet and then get out.
I didn’t have to show my passport to anyone. And I only had to show it in Germany so I could technically leave the main Frankfurt terminal to go back to the FCT.
Maybe the Italians don’t care who visit or who stays.
When you look online on the train websites, it looks simple enough. It tells you to get a train from FLR to Milan, and from there, another train to Lake Como.
That might be what it says on the tin, but it is definitely not what happens in real life. First you have to get out of the little tin shed that is Florence Airport. From there you need to catch a rather modern tram – which to be fair is only a short walk from the terminal, and then you are supposed to stay on the tram to the main train station. But no one tells you what station that is. Everything on the wall maps says everything in Italian. You talk to people on the train and everyone does their best Japanese impression, and simply nod their head in agreement to everything you are saying. And then they move 5 feet away from you into the next cabin.
My current wife told me that the best way to book a train in Italy was to download an app called Omio. Apparently it was child’s play. Easy as pie.
Except that it wasn’t.
I don’t know about you but I hate booking stuff via my phone. The kids seem to have no problems and laugh at me constantly but it must be my tired eyes. Give me a laptop and an internet connection any day and I’m happy.
I finally figure it out but the stupid app says it has no clue where Lake Como is and it would only sell me a ticket to Milan – and from there I was SOL. Bollocks then. I decide to call a real human – and after rummaging around the app for 10 mins, finally find a number to call. In London of all places. Because that makes sense.
Some rather pleasant English lady apologizes for the app – but knowing full well that it was user error, and gladly refunded my money. They probably don’t have a refund policy at all but just decided to do it anyway, just to get me off the phone.
Logic and common sense tells me to stay on the tram out of Florence Airport until it gets to somewhere in the middle of the city. I vaguely remember the larger train station when the tram pulls up – but it was at least a 30 min ride, and not “just a 2 or 3 a minutee” as the lovely woman in the info booth told me at the airport.
Now Florence Train Station is what you would expect. A total madhouse. It’s a terminal station which means trains don’t go through the place (unless of course the driver just learned his wife was sleeping with a man called Eugennio)
Ticketing is a rather odd process. A lot of tourists like us work out via the Google and via 3rd party booking sites how to book and pay for what looks like a pretty formal set of tickets. Then there are ticket machines scattered thru the place which are the normal ticketing machines you see at train stations worldwide.
And then there are these little red booths scattered across the station with semi helpful people who tell you how to catch the train you thought you bought a ticket on.
Then, to make you feel more normal – there are display boards within the terminal showing your train, what type of train it is (eg fast or slow) what platform it leaves from and at what time. Then there is a lot of space for additional comments, such as…
“train is a 39 minute late” Reason “traffico”
“train is a 60 minute late” Reason “Eugennio. Again”
You go inside to the ticketing office and ask…
“ I need to catch a train to Lake Como”
“Go outside a..”
“But why I want to buy a ticket…”
“Ah zey will a help you outside”
And then they shoo you away like a pesky dog.
You go outside and approach a man in the little red tent.
Same thing happens
“I need to catch a train to Lake Como”
“Go indside a..”
“But why I want to buy a ticket”
“Ah zey will a help you inside”
In the end I gave up, jammed some euros in an ATM machine, think I find the destination which has Como on it and wait for something formal to eject from a slot. I wave my now famous piece of paper to the 2 men standing at the main entrance, who waved me in with about the same level of interest as they had when they found out that the same guy train driver, Eugennio, well his cousin, was sleeping with both their sisters.
My train wasn’t leaving, as far as I could tell for 30 mins, so I did what all Italians do at this point. Had an espresso and something to eat. And charged my laptop.
I find the platform, find the train and jump on. No assigned seating, just crap everywhere. Sadly I was in the cabin where 30 people from Wisconsin had decided to bunk down for the 32 min trip to Como. If you have never seen how a group of 30 from Wisconsin travel to an Italian destination wedding, then this was something to behold. Both doorways had large suitcases piled high to the ceiling, and the noise was deafening. Holy cow.
I squeezed into the last remaining seat and had a rather lovely chat to one of the Grandfathers on the trip
His own daughter who was across the isle from me kept telling her old man to keep quiet and stop talking so much. I politely told the rather petulant woman that if we wanted her opinion, we would give it to her. The Grandfather was delighted that at last, someone was in his corner. We roared laughing when he started showing me photos from the wedding but it got a bit weird when he started telling me that hadn’t used half the Viagra prescription his Doctor had given him for the trip.
Como station is no bigger than a cowshed. Being a modern day citizen I thought I would simply catch an Uber to the Airbnb my family had no doubt trashed by this point. Except for one thing.
Uber and the Italian government didn’t really see eye to eye. And apparently Uber only works in larger cities like Rome. I wont bore you with the details about why Uber doesn’t exist in more Italian cities but suffice to say that when the Uber arrogant folks visited Italy many years ago to set up shop, they were told a very big, blunt Sicilian no. Like a frazzled teenager they persisted. The Italians kept telling them no. And to go away. The Uber teenagers were like a dog with a bone.
Apparently they only got the message when the Italians pulled their best Godfather routine and put a frozen chicken in the bed (they were all out of dead horses at the time) of the Uber folks hotel room.
So don’t bother opening the Uber app in Como. It’s about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
I don’t think I have caught a cab in 20 years. But that was my only option. I had to ferret around on my phone to find the Airbnb address and the rather pleasant taxi driver was fluent in English and got me there without killing me or anyone else. Which is quite a miracle in Italy. He told me that there were only 45 taxis in Lake Como (which would mean something later on…)
If you haven’t been – Como is stunning. Apparently George Clooney has a joint there. As does Madonna. And some slightly unhinged woman called Donatella Versace. And even the rather odd Sir Richard Branson. I have time to kill. I may as well drop in and say hello...
I hadn’t landed in FLR for a long, long time, and to be honest, I cant even remember if I had flown into the place at all. I might have been drinking heavily at the time.
If you blink, you’ll miss the airport.
And the laid back, “domani” approach of the majority of the Italian population must tip the buttoned up Germans right over their schnitzel.
“Florence Tower, zis is Lufthansa 435 requesting clearance to land”
“Ah Lufthansa Four Three A Five, this is a Florence. Land a anywhere a you want”
“Anyvhere?”
“Si”
Much German expletive from the German pilots.
Our little Embraer jet headed toward the terminal and it was clearly evident that the 3 ground crew working that day weren’t quite expecting us. Much running towards the jet with their wands and sticks, trying to put their cigarettes out and finishing their expressos.
I loved it. Controlled chaos at its best.
So we disembark and there are 2 buses waiting for us. Once the first bus is sort of full, someone yells at the driver and we drive for all of 100 feet and then get out.
I didn’t have to show my passport to anyone. And I only had to show it in Germany so I could technically leave the main Frankfurt terminal to go back to the FCT.
Maybe the Italians don’t care who visit or who stays.
When you look online on the train websites, it looks simple enough. It tells you to get a train from FLR to Milan, and from there, another train to Lake Como.
That might be what it says on the tin, but it is definitely not what happens in real life. First you have to get out of the little tin shed that is Florence Airport. From there you need to catch a rather modern tram – which to be fair is only a short walk from the terminal, and then you are supposed to stay on the tram to the main train station. But no one tells you what station that is. Everything on the wall maps says everything in Italian. You talk to people on the train and everyone does their best Japanese impression, and simply nod their head in agreement to everything you are saying. And then they move 5 feet away from you into the next cabin.
My current wife told me that the best way to book a train in Italy was to download an app called Omio. Apparently it was child’s play. Easy as pie.
Except that it wasn’t.
I don’t know about you but I hate booking stuff via my phone. The kids seem to have no problems and laugh at me constantly but it must be my tired eyes. Give me a laptop and an internet connection any day and I’m happy.
I finally figure it out but the stupid app says it has no clue where Lake Como is and it would only sell me a ticket to Milan – and from there I was SOL. Bollocks then. I decide to call a real human – and after rummaging around the app for 10 mins, finally find a number to call. In London of all places. Because that makes sense.
Some rather pleasant English lady apologizes for the app – but knowing full well that it was user error, and gladly refunded my money. They probably don’t have a refund policy at all but just decided to do it anyway, just to get me off the phone.
Logic and common sense tells me to stay on the tram out of Florence Airport until it gets to somewhere in the middle of the city. I vaguely remember the larger train station when the tram pulls up – but it was at least a 30 min ride, and not “just a 2 or 3 a minutee” as the lovely woman in the info booth told me at the airport.
Now Florence Train Station is what you would expect. A total madhouse. It’s a terminal station which means trains don’t go through the place (unless of course the driver just learned his wife was sleeping with a man called Eugennio)
Ticketing is a rather odd process. A lot of tourists like us work out via the Google and via 3rd party booking sites how to book and pay for what looks like a pretty formal set of tickets. Then there are ticket machines scattered thru the place which are the normal ticketing machines you see at train stations worldwide.
And then there are these little red booths scattered across the station with semi helpful people who tell you how to catch the train you thought you bought a ticket on.
Then, to make you feel more normal – there are display boards within the terminal showing your train, what type of train it is (eg fast or slow) what platform it leaves from and at what time. Then there is a lot of space for additional comments, such as…
“train is a 39 minute late” Reason “traffico”
“train is a 60 minute late” Reason “Eugennio. Again”
You go inside to the ticketing office and ask…
“ I need to catch a train to Lake Como”
“Go outside a..”
“But why I want to buy a ticket…”
“Ah zey will a help you outside”
And then they shoo you away like a pesky dog.
You go outside and approach a man in the little red tent.
Same thing happens
“I need to catch a train to Lake Como”
“Go indside a..”
“But why I want to buy a ticket”
“Ah zey will a help you inside”
In the end I gave up, jammed some euros in an ATM machine, think I find the destination which has Como on it and wait for something formal to eject from a slot. I wave my now famous piece of paper to the 2 men standing at the main entrance, who waved me in with about the same level of interest as they had when they found out that the same guy train driver, Eugennio, well his cousin, was sleeping with both their sisters.
My train wasn’t leaving, as far as I could tell for 30 mins, so I did what all Italians do at this point. Had an espresso and something to eat. And charged my laptop.
I find the platform, find the train and jump on. No assigned seating, just crap everywhere. Sadly I was in the cabin where 30 people from Wisconsin had decided to bunk down for the 32 min trip to Como. If you have never seen how a group of 30 from Wisconsin travel to an Italian destination wedding, then this was something to behold. Both doorways had large suitcases piled high to the ceiling, and the noise was deafening. Holy cow.
I squeezed into the last remaining seat and had a rather lovely chat to one of the Grandfathers on the trip
His own daughter who was across the isle from me kept telling her old man to keep quiet and stop talking so much. I politely told the rather petulant woman that if we wanted her opinion, we would give it to her. The Grandfather was delighted that at last, someone was in his corner. We roared laughing when he started showing me photos from the wedding but it got a bit weird when he started telling me that hadn’t used half the Viagra prescription his Doctor had given him for the trip.
Como station is no bigger than a cowshed. Being a modern day citizen I thought I would simply catch an Uber to the Airbnb my family had no doubt trashed by this point. Except for one thing.
Uber and the Italian government didn’t really see eye to eye. And apparently Uber only works in larger cities like Rome. I wont bore you with the details about why Uber doesn’t exist in more Italian cities but suffice to say that when the Uber arrogant folks visited Italy many years ago to set up shop, they were told a very big, blunt Sicilian no. Like a frazzled teenager they persisted. The Italians kept telling them no. And to go away. The Uber teenagers were like a dog with a bone.
Apparently they only got the message when the Italians pulled their best Godfather routine and put a frozen chicken in the bed (they were all out of dead horses at the time) of the Uber folks hotel room.
So don’t bother opening the Uber app in Como. It’s about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
I don’t think I have caught a cab in 20 years. But that was my only option. I had to ferret around on my phone to find the Airbnb address and the rather pleasant taxi driver was fluent in English and got me there without killing me or anyone else. Which is quite a miracle in Italy. He told me that there were only 45 taxis in Lake Como (which would mean something later on…)
If you haven’t been – Como is stunning. Apparently George Clooney has a joint there. As does Madonna. And some slightly unhinged woman called Donatella Versace. And even the rather odd Sir Richard Branson. I have time to kill. I may as well drop in and say hello...
In a way what could be a rather annoying post put a smile on my face. A couple of comments:
Germany and Italy are both in the Schengen area, a passport-free travel area within Europe, if you enter Italy from Germany there is no passport control. Yours was like a domestic flight.
I understand the complexity of reaching 'Florence main station' and train travel in Italy. Not all the High-Speed train stop at "Santa Maria Novella" (name of Florence main station), a lot just 'pass through' and stop at 'Firenze Rifredi' (a smaller station), and high-speed trains are the best way to travel if you they are available.
Admittedly buying a train ticket in any Italian station could be a job and a half. I do not live in Italy but I am there fairly frequently so I downloaded the app of the two main train companies. It works better.
Jun 23, 2019, 8:15 am
#47
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: YYC - not the centre of the universe
Programs: AC*S100K 1MM, LH FTL, Hyatt Globalist, Accor Plat
Posts: 4,768
In a way what could be a rather annoying post put a smile on my face. A couple of comments:
Germany and Italy are both in the Schengen area, a passport-free travel area within Europe, if you enter Italy from Germany there is no passport control. Yours was like a domestic flight.
I understand the complexity of reaching 'Florence main station' and train travel in Italy. Not all the High-Speed train stop at "Santa Maria Novella" (name of Florence main station), a lot just 'pass through' and stop at 'Firenze Rifredi' (a smaller station), and high-speed trains are the best way to travel if you they are available.
Admittedly buying a train ticket in any Italian station could be a job and a half. I do not live in Italy but I am there fairly frequently so I downloaded the app of the two main train companies. It works better.
Germany and Italy are both in the Schengen area, a passport-free travel area within Europe, if you enter Italy from Germany there is no passport control. Yours was like a domestic flight.
I understand the complexity of reaching 'Florence main station' and train travel in Italy. Not all the High-Speed train stop at "Santa Maria Novella" (name of Florence main station), a lot just 'pass through' and stop at 'Firenze Rifredi' (a smaller station), and high-speed trains are the best way to travel if you they are available.
Admittedly buying a train ticket in any Italian station could be a job and a half. I do not live in Italy but I am there fairly frequently so I downloaded the app of the two main train companies. It works better.
Jun 30, 2019, 10:50 pm
#49
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: Aug 2014
Programs: Top Tier with all 3 alliances
Posts: 11,663
My intuition says that there are only four real possibilities:
a) He is partying it up with the Clooneys
b) The Italians found his trip report and he is held together with Amanda Knox
c) He made his way to Corsica and was attacked by the "new species of a fox-like cat, or a cat-like fox", which, according to CNN, is "prowling the island of Corsica and yep, it's already cranky and hates your guts". or
d) He is held captive by his family for refusing to upgrade their returns to First.
Statistically speaking, C is the most likely though
.
a) He is partying it up with the Clooneys
b) The Italians found his trip report and he is held together with Amanda Knox
c) He made his way to Corsica and was attacked by the "new species of a fox-like cat, or a cat-like fox", which, according to CNN, is "prowling the island of Corsica and yep, it's already cranky and hates your guts". or
d) He is held captive by his family for refusing to upgrade their returns to First.
Statistically speaking, C is the most likely though
.
Jul 1, 2019, 12:06 pm
#50
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: Aug 2014
Programs: Top Tier with all 3 alliances
Posts: 11,663
Other, less likely, but still reasonable possibilities:
e) He made it to Venice during the heat wave only to discover the truly appropriate context for his original thread title, upon smelling the sewage of the Venice canals...
f) He bumped into Athena from post #31 in Italy (what are the chances, right?), and he foolishly agreed to another round of "friendly practice", for "old times' sake"...
g) He graciously accepted an invite to join a wealthy heir he met in F (on the plane to Europe) on a yacht cruise in the Mediterranean, without the benefit of having watched Sandler and Aniston's "Murder Mystery" Netflix movie first...
h) He inadvertently booked the "Silvio's Bunga Bunga Milan Villa Architectural and Historical Tour", before googling the reviews, and now he'll never hear the end of it...
e) He made it to Venice during the heat wave only to discover the truly appropriate context for his original thread title, upon smelling the sewage of the Venice canals...
f) He bumped into Athena from post #31 in Italy (what are the chances, right?), and he foolishly agreed to another round of "friendly practice", for "old times' sake"...
g) He graciously accepted an invite to join a wealthy heir he met in F (on the plane to Europe) on a yacht cruise in the Mediterranean, without the benefit of having watched Sandler and Aniston's "Murder Mystery" Netflix movie first...
h) He inadvertently booked the "Silvio's Bunga Bunga Milan Villa Architectural and Historical Tour", before googling the reviews, and now he'll never hear the end of it...
Last edited by nk15; Jul 1, 2019 at 1:14 pm
Jul 20, 2019, 11:20 am
#52
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: TOA
Programs: HH Diamond, Marriott LTPP/Platinum Premier, Hyatt Lame-ist, UA !K
Posts: 20,061
l) Meanwhile, on another (un)related story, a US Karate instructor named “Athena Bringsthepain” was denied boarding at MXP, after she tried to exit the country on a fake passport with first name listed as “Caroline or Heather”. She was later found to be “a person of interest” in an aggravated tooth loss incident reported in Lake Como earlier that week.
David
Sep 19, 2019, 8:22 pm
#55
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va. USA
Posts: 1,752
OMG! Eightblack is back. I don't know how I missed this. I searched FT and it worked! The world must be coming to an end.
I wrote this to push this thread to the top because I am afraid if I don't I will never be able to find it again. I am old and I need to go to bed. This way I will be able to find it tomorrow,
I wrote this to push this thread to the top because I am afraid if I don't I will never be able to find it again. I am old and I need to go to bed. This way I will be able to find it tomorrow,
Jan 3, 2020, 10:18 am
#58
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York, NY
Programs: AA Gold. UA Silver, Marriott Gold, Hilton Diamond, Hyatt (Lifetime Diamond downgraded to Explorist)
Posts: 6,776
Mar 26, 2020, 8:21 am
#59
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: BCN
Programs: BA GGL, IB, LH, IHG Gold
Posts: 582
eightblack ol' boy don't leave us hangin' now that we're all grounded!!
Mar 26, 2020, 8:25 am
#60
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: PHL-adjacent
Programs: AA Executive Platinum (but always US in my heart), HH Diamond
Posts: 3,346
eightblack ol' boy don't leave us hangin' now that we're all grounded!!