Possibly the least informative trip report for EK F. But it's my first one...
Jul 4, 2017, 3:21 pm
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: May 2017
Location: London
Programs: EK, Virgin Atlantic, SPG
Posts: 11
Possibly the least informative trip report for EK F. But it's my first one...
Introduction
As an extreme example of an introvert, who scores 95% on introversion in the personality test (I am apparently type ISFP), it’s not surprising that I have never contributed to any discussions or threads on flyertalk. In fact, having been ROM (read only mode) for many years I have never felt the urge to even create an account.
This suddenly changed earlier on this year when, as I was going about my usual work, a lady of rather wide girth and of experienced age took a baffling interest in my below-average facial aesthetics, to put it generously. She stroked my right thigh and informed me that she ‘did not want to go home today’. Of course, given my lack of looks and charm I would ordinarily be exceedingly flattered, but a lady of her age seducing a 25 year old would probably not be an appropriate social appearance for either of us, so I politely declined. That was that, until that night I had a dream of being chased by her on a helicopter while I was frantically trying to tame a dinosaur. I decided enough was enough, and that I would go on a holiday, and in the process actually contribute something to flyertalk. Hence, a new account was born.
A little bit about myself, although I assume most would not be interested in a lowly peasant like me, so skip this paragraph if you are so inclined. I am 25, born in Japan but raised and work in the UK. My favourite airline is JAL, but since I am a lowly peasant I usually settle for Emirates with whom I have platinum status. My hobbies, other than flying, include watching Japanese anime, fishing, and classical music. I have an irrational fear of spiders and I believe that Star Wars and Lord of the Rings are hugely overrated.
After a lengthy negotiation process with the rota co-ordinators at work, who are dim at best and utterly incompetent salary burglars at worst, I managed to secure a week and a half at the end of June for travel. There were things I wanted to do and family I was obliged to see (including my parents, who I have not seen for about 5 years, but who needs to see people when you have Email? I don’t think I have ever met my boss at work in person, just over a digital screen), so Japan would be a stop. I then had 2 days remaining of my holiday, and my options were one of the following: 1. go to Amsterdam for a solo prostitute/weed trip (what else would a single 25 year old do in Amsterdam?), 2. take up a part-time job in Mexico for a guy in a suit with sunglasses which involve transporting several completely non-suspicious packages across a couple of country borders (what else would a single 25 year old…wait, that probably shouldn’t apply here), or 3. actually spend time in Dubai rather than just use the airport for transit. I thought option 3 sounded like the best option, although some extra cash in Mexico would have been nice too. Maybe next time…
Anyway, my flights were thus booked using a bunch of MR points in EK F, which I can’t help but think have become a tad cliché in the unforgiving world of trip reports. I will try my best to try and write an un-cliché report, but I certainly don’t have the writing or photography skills many flyers seem to possess. Apologies in advance, Japanese style m(_ _)m
To LHR
On the morning of my flight, I started packing. I finished 5 minutes later. I twiddled my thumbs for 2 hours and then I made my way to London St Pancras station, where my chauffeur drive would pick me up. I did not include the journey on the much-coveted Southeastern Railway High Speed service from Kent in my report, because although National Rail never fails to impress us in how much they fail, people would not be that interested about it in an EK F report. If you are, then give me a buzz and I can tell you all about the wonders of British inefficiency.
So I reached St Pancras at 20 minutes to 1PM (drive booked for 1PM), and I received a call from my driver who was already only a few minutes away. I went to the pickup point, where I saw space for about 10 cars, and 30 cars competing for it, all of whom were picking up entitled passengers in swanky black Mercedes and thinking they had the right to spaces over everybody else (the one Ford car I saw looked very out of place). I, of course, was one of these entitled passengers being picked up in a swanky black Mercedes, but my pickup was not very classy as I had to look for the correct swanky black Mercedes which was stuck in the middle of the road and get on there. Needless to say, tempers would have risen if I tried to take pictures there during that hot summer day. It then took 2 hours to get out of central London congestion, then 20 minutes from there to Heathrow. I am so glad I don’t drive in London.
I arrived at Heathrow terminal 3 just under 2 hours before departure. I had checked in on my mobile and I didn’t have any luggage to check-in, so I went straight to the security.
It always surprises me how lax security is for premium passengers when compared to economy. In some places, premium passengers are automatically exempt from secondary screening. Why is everybody under the façade that terrorists don’t use first class? If they know it’s their last few hours on earth, isn’t it entirely possible they would splurge on a double bed or the Residence before doing what they do? Then again, I guess if you experience something like the Residence you wouldn’t want to leave it, let alone bring the plane down. But I digress, security was completely uneventful and I made my way to the Emirates lounge.
LHR Emirates Lounge
If I was travelling in Business class I would love this lounge. I was travelling in first class and I still like it a lot. It had a good selection of food and drink, and didn’t taste half bad either. It tasted a little better than the food in boarding school (we used to complain daily that it was inedible; it was only when I stepped out into society I realised that, for the same quality food we had for free and could have unlimited helpings of, it would probably cost about 7-8 pounds a plate. To think that we also complained about the quality of champagne on top of that…quelle horreur!). Despite this, I limited myself to a few appetisers because EK is one of the two airlines I enjoy on-board catering in all classes (JAL being the other one. I think ANA’s first class catering is better than both, but disappointing in Business and economy. Etihad’s economy and business food were decent, but I was not a fan of their first class offerings. BA…lol).
As an extreme example of an introvert, who scores 95% on introversion in the personality test (I am apparently type ISFP), it’s not surprising that I have never contributed to any discussions or threads on flyertalk. In fact, having been ROM (read only mode) for many years I have never felt the urge to even create an account.
This suddenly changed earlier on this year when, as I was going about my usual work, a lady of rather wide girth and of experienced age took a baffling interest in my below-average facial aesthetics, to put it generously. She stroked my right thigh and informed me that she ‘did not want to go home today’. Of course, given my lack of looks and charm I would ordinarily be exceedingly flattered, but a lady of her age seducing a 25 year old would probably not be an appropriate social appearance for either of us, so I politely declined. That was that, until that night I had a dream of being chased by her on a helicopter while I was frantically trying to tame a dinosaur. I decided enough was enough, and that I would go on a holiday, and in the process actually contribute something to flyertalk. Hence, a new account was born.
A little bit about myself, although I assume most would not be interested in a lowly peasant like me, so skip this paragraph if you are so inclined. I am 25, born in Japan but raised and work in the UK. My favourite airline is JAL, but since I am a lowly peasant I usually settle for Emirates with whom I have platinum status. My hobbies, other than flying, include watching Japanese anime, fishing, and classical music. I have an irrational fear of spiders and I believe that Star Wars and Lord of the Rings are hugely overrated.
After a lengthy negotiation process with the rota co-ordinators at work, who are dim at best and utterly incompetent salary burglars at worst, I managed to secure a week and a half at the end of June for travel. There were things I wanted to do and family I was obliged to see (including my parents, who I have not seen for about 5 years, but who needs to see people when you have Email? I don’t think I have ever met my boss at work in person, just over a digital screen), so Japan would be a stop. I then had 2 days remaining of my holiday, and my options were one of the following: 1. go to Amsterdam for a solo prostitute/weed trip (what else would a single 25 year old do in Amsterdam?), 2. take up a part-time job in Mexico for a guy in a suit with sunglasses which involve transporting several completely non-suspicious packages across a couple of country borders (what else would a single 25 year old…wait, that probably shouldn’t apply here), or 3. actually spend time in Dubai rather than just use the airport for transit. I thought option 3 sounded like the best option, although some extra cash in Mexico would have been nice too. Maybe next time…
Anyway, my flights were thus booked using a bunch of MR points in EK F, which I can’t help but think have become a tad cliché in the unforgiving world of trip reports. I will try my best to try and write an un-cliché report, but I certainly don’t have the writing or photography skills many flyers seem to possess. Apologies in advance, Japanese style m(_ _)m
To LHR
On the morning of my flight, I started packing. I finished 5 minutes later. I twiddled my thumbs for 2 hours and then I made my way to London St Pancras station, where my chauffeur drive would pick me up. I did not include the journey on the much-coveted Southeastern Railway High Speed service from Kent in my report, because although National Rail never fails to impress us in how much they fail, people would not be that interested about it in an EK F report. If you are, then give me a buzz and I can tell you all about the wonders of British inefficiency.
So I reached St Pancras at 20 minutes to 1PM (drive booked for 1PM), and I received a call from my driver who was already only a few minutes away. I went to the pickup point, where I saw space for about 10 cars, and 30 cars competing for it, all of whom were picking up entitled passengers in swanky black Mercedes and thinking they had the right to spaces over everybody else (the one Ford car I saw looked very out of place). I, of course, was one of these entitled passengers being picked up in a swanky black Mercedes, but my pickup was not very classy as I had to look for the correct swanky black Mercedes which was stuck in the middle of the road and get on there. Needless to say, tempers would have risen if I tried to take pictures there during that hot summer day. It then took 2 hours to get out of central London congestion, then 20 minutes from there to Heathrow. I am so glad I don’t drive in London.
I arrived at Heathrow terminal 3 just under 2 hours before departure. I had checked in on my mobile and I didn’t have any luggage to check-in, so I went straight to the security.
It always surprises me how lax security is for premium passengers when compared to economy. In some places, premium passengers are automatically exempt from secondary screening. Why is everybody under the façade that terrorists don’t use first class? If they know it’s their last few hours on earth, isn’t it entirely possible they would splurge on a double bed or the Residence before doing what they do? Then again, I guess if you experience something like the Residence you wouldn’t want to leave it, let alone bring the plane down. But I digress, security was completely uneventful and I made my way to the Emirates lounge.
LHR Emirates Lounge
If I was travelling in Business class I would love this lounge. I was travelling in first class and I still like it a lot. It had a good selection of food and drink, and didn’t taste half bad either. It tasted a little better than the food in boarding school (we used to complain daily that it was inedible; it was only when I stepped out into society I realised that, for the same quality food we had for free and could have unlimited helpings of, it would probably cost about 7-8 pounds a plate. To think that we also complained about the quality of champagne on top of that…quelle horreur!). Despite this, I limited myself to a few appetisers because EK is one of the two airlines I enjoy on-board catering in all classes (JAL being the other one. I think ANA’s first class catering is better than both, but disappointing in Business and economy. Etihad’s economy and business food were decent, but I was not a fan of their first class offerings. BA…lol).
Jul 4, 2017, 4:25 pm
#2
Original Poster
Join Date: May 2017
Location: London
Programs: EK, Virgin Atlantic, SPG
Posts: 11
LHR-DXB
Boarding was announced 20 minutes after the published time, and we boarded straight from the lounge. Is it worth all the hype? I guess it is premium, as you don’t have to line up with the gaggle of the plebs. But where is the premium-ness of it all if you can’t saunter onto the plane while enjoying the envious/angry looks of said plebs who really do know their place but don’t want to admit it? I guess I am an awful human being when I always think about Monty Python’s ‘the class sketch’ when I board in a premium line in front of the Y line. Just to be clear though, I still have more experience being in the gaggle of the plebs than the pride of the aristocrats (I only pretend to be elite, believe it or not).
Anyway, upon arrival, I was greeted by the purser and a charming and beautiful Scottish flight attendant escorted me to my seat. I was over the moon that I had lucked out with this gorgeous attendant, until I realised she only showed me my seat and was actually assigned to the opposite aisle. Not all hope was lost, however, because the gentleman serving my side was a very lovely guy and he did a wonderful job looking after me during the flight.
There was just one other person in the F cabin for the next 20 minutes, and I was getting my hopes up that it would remain this way for the flight. Alas, luxuries do not fall upon stingy people like me, who fork out miles instead of cash. A rather ‘lively’ family – mum, dad, 4 children – came on board. The father was the one taking care of all the children, who were making a cacophony that probably would not be classed as music even by today’s much depreciated standards. I could not see what the mother was doing, as she did not set a foot out of her suite once she was in. The children, being children, were very needy, and called for the attendants every 30 seconds, including for things like how the movie on the screen would stop during the passenger announcement. Once we were airborne, however, it seemed like God flipped a switch in their brains, and the entire family went to sleep.
I decided to partake in the obligatory Emirates First Class in-flight shower ceremony straight after take-off (note how I spelled it out fully than saying EK F, to convey the grandeur of it). I couldn’t help but notice the water pressure was significantly worse than the other times I had been in this showering apparatus. When I turned the nozzle upside down, the water only had enough power to rise 2-3cm before falling, whereas previously, the water would create a fountain about 5cm in height. Nevertheless I felt refreshed after the shower and I truly felt like a rich elite I enjoy pretending to be.
I then had a glass of the signature Dom Perignon. Now I will be honest, I have little tolerance with alcohol, being the typical Asian that I am. Furthermore, I don’t even like the taste of most drinks and I don’t understand it either. If you tell me I am drinking whisky when I am drinking red wine I will probably believe you. This is why whenever I read sophisticated descriptions of wine tastes, I can’t help but think to myself how superficial this all seems and how most of what is written comes from imagination than olfactory stimulation. Then again, whenever I critique classical music, I’m sure wine tasters who don’t know in detail about music would think my words are superficial and my interpretations come from imagination than vestibulocochlear stimulation. But when I fly first class I try to have the champagne as much as tolerated. Why? Because it’s expensive. So I drank some Dom Perignon. I will now try to become a sommelier and honestly comment on it:
‘It tasted like mild fizzy vinegar, and frankly I taste no difference between this and some cheap stuff from Sainsbury’s. But it’s expensive so I will have another glass’
I then indulged in a feast. The caviar, although noticeably smaller in portion each time I fly EK F (even the lemon), tasted good (I like anything and everything seafood – from caviar to sea cucumber, from cod milt to monkfish liver. And oh my goodness fish are some of the cutest things on the planet, dead or alive). The Arabic mezze was, well, Arabic, and Arabic cuisine is my all-time favourite (I even prefer it to Japanese food). The seafood biriyani Arabic style was very Arabic too – have I told you I like Arabic food? I barely had space to have any cheese, but I cannot do a first class flight without a cheese board. I enjoy cheese so much that I have a personal spreadsheet on my laptop with all the cheeses I have tried and my rating for each one out of 10. I also have a history of devouring any amount of cheese presented to me – one time at school I ate 1kg of camembert as a dare/bet and I won 5 pounds. It made me extremely ill but I do not regret it.
By this time I was rather tipsy (from an almighty 1.5 glasses of champagne) so I asked the flight attendant to make my bed. I switched on the Shostakovich concerti playlist on the ICE system and lay down. After what felt like 10 minutes of eye closure, I was subject to a sudden awakening by the flight attendant opening my door, who informed me that we were ready for landing. I guess I was very tired or more drunk than I realised. I want to think it’s the former.
Boarding was announced 20 minutes after the published time, and we boarded straight from the lounge. Is it worth all the hype? I guess it is premium, as you don’t have to line up with the gaggle of the plebs. But where is the premium-ness of it all if you can’t saunter onto the plane while enjoying the envious/angry looks of said plebs who really do know their place but don’t want to admit it? I guess I am an awful human being when I always think about Monty Python’s ‘the class sketch’ when I board in a premium line in front of the Y line. Just to be clear though, I still have more experience being in the gaggle of the plebs than the pride of the aristocrats (I only pretend to be elite, believe it or not).
Anyway, upon arrival, I was greeted by the purser and a charming and beautiful Scottish flight attendant escorted me to my seat. I was over the moon that I had lucked out with this gorgeous attendant, until I realised she only showed me my seat and was actually assigned to the opposite aisle. Not all hope was lost, however, because the gentleman serving my side was a very lovely guy and he did a wonderful job looking after me during the flight.
There was just one other person in the F cabin for the next 20 minutes, and I was getting my hopes up that it would remain this way for the flight. Alas, luxuries do not fall upon stingy people like me, who fork out miles instead of cash. A rather ‘lively’ family – mum, dad, 4 children – came on board. The father was the one taking care of all the children, who were making a cacophony that probably would not be classed as music even by today’s much depreciated standards. I could not see what the mother was doing, as she did not set a foot out of her suite once she was in. The children, being children, were very needy, and called for the attendants every 30 seconds, including for things like how the movie on the screen would stop during the passenger announcement. Once we were airborne, however, it seemed like God flipped a switch in their brains, and the entire family went to sleep.
I decided to partake in the obligatory Emirates First Class in-flight shower ceremony straight after take-off (note how I spelled it out fully than saying EK F, to convey the grandeur of it). I couldn’t help but notice the water pressure was significantly worse than the other times I had been in this showering apparatus. When I turned the nozzle upside down, the water only had enough power to rise 2-3cm before falling, whereas previously, the water would create a fountain about 5cm in height. Nevertheless I felt refreshed after the shower and I truly felt like a rich elite I enjoy pretending to be.
I then had a glass of the signature Dom Perignon. Now I will be honest, I have little tolerance with alcohol, being the typical Asian that I am. Furthermore, I don’t even like the taste of most drinks and I don’t understand it either. If you tell me I am drinking whisky when I am drinking red wine I will probably believe you. This is why whenever I read sophisticated descriptions of wine tastes, I can’t help but think to myself how superficial this all seems and how most of what is written comes from imagination than olfactory stimulation. Then again, whenever I critique classical music, I’m sure wine tasters who don’t know in detail about music would think my words are superficial and my interpretations come from imagination than vestibulocochlear stimulation. But when I fly first class I try to have the champagne as much as tolerated. Why? Because it’s expensive. So I drank some Dom Perignon. I will now try to become a sommelier and honestly comment on it:
‘It tasted like mild fizzy vinegar, and frankly I taste no difference between this and some cheap stuff from Sainsbury’s. But it’s expensive so I will have another glass’
I then indulged in a feast. The caviar, although noticeably smaller in portion each time I fly EK F (even the lemon), tasted good (I like anything and everything seafood – from caviar to sea cucumber, from cod milt to monkfish liver. And oh my goodness fish are some of the cutest things on the planet, dead or alive). The Arabic mezze was, well, Arabic, and Arabic cuisine is my all-time favourite (I even prefer it to Japanese food). The seafood biriyani Arabic style was very Arabic too – have I told you I like Arabic food? I barely had space to have any cheese, but I cannot do a first class flight without a cheese board. I enjoy cheese so much that I have a personal spreadsheet on my laptop with all the cheeses I have tried and my rating for each one out of 10. I also have a history of devouring any amount of cheese presented to me – one time at school I ate 1kg of camembert as a dare/bet and I won 5 pounds. It made me extremely ill but I do not regret it.
By this time I was rather tipsy (from an almighty 1.5 glasses of champagne) so I asked the flight attendant to make my bed. I switched on the Shostakovich concerti playlist on the ICE system and lay down. After what felt like 10 minutes of eye closure, I was subject to a sudden awakening by the flight attendant opening my door, who informed me that we were ready for landing. I guess I was very tired or more drunk than I realised. I want to think it’s the former.
Jul 4, 2017, 6:19 pm
#4
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: WAS
Programs: Free Agent
Posts: 1,757
I did not include the journey on the much-coveted Southeastern Railway High Speed service from Kent in my report, because although National Rail never fails to impress us in how much they fail, people would not be that interested about it in an EK F report. If you are, then give me a buzz and I can tell you all about the wonders of British inefficiency.
Jul 5, 2017, 10:27 am
#8
Original Poster
Join Date: May 2017
Location: London
Programs: EK, Virgin Atlantic, SPG
Posts: 11
Well, judging by the comments, it seems even I can do some things right, despite failing at most other things in life. Thank you for your kind words. I will make every effort to keep this report alive for more to see and laugh at me for. Or perhaps there are many more kind hearted people like yourselves, and I can become a one hit wonder in the world of flyertalk??
Also, once I complete this report I will have an addendum at the end where I will go on a long rant about the National Rail and British inefficiency, as requested.
Emirates first class lounge concourse A
We parked in concourse A, and I made my way straight to the First Class Lounge. My flight was departing from concourse C on a B772, but I just decided to chill here until flight time.
I am not a regular smoker, but whenever I come to this lounge I always head to the cigar lounge. You get a full service there and usually there are far less people there than in the main restaurant or any other seating areas. Granted, there are only the very few rich people (loaded with cash or miles. I have more of an affinity for the miles-rich than the cash-rich) in this lounge anyway. Those rich people are also likely far too busy being rich and entitled to take notice of a small, polite, and innocent Japanese person like me, but we all love being totally alone and not having to interact with more people than the bare minimum, don’t we? The cigar lounge is ideal to sit quietly with no disruptive surrounding noises and an excellent way to soak up the ambience at 4AM. Until, of course, the morning prayer (which I guess if you try hard enough, could count as an ambience to soak up. I don't envisage the person reciting the prayer would appreciate his voice being soaked up by a non-religious oriental kid pretending to be rich, though). I suppose, then, if I am having such a premium experience within a premium lounge, it is only etiquette to make a purchase. I asked if they had any cigarillos but they did not; instead I was recommended a cigar that was small and light. It was indeed quite small. I took a few puffs and it was indeed quite light. I am sure it would have been enjoyable to somebody who actually understands cigars.
I then had some breakfast. Now, I realise I said before that I thoroughly enjoy on-board catering on Emirates. However, the catering in their first class lounge is phenomenal, and this is one of the lounges where I would actively fill up to the brim before the flight. Indeed, if it would be considered classy, I would actively fill up to the brim, overfill my capacity and allow a multitude of fluids to appear top and bottom of the body, and then fill up to the brim again multiple times (it was considered high-class in Roman times...How traditions have been lost nowadays). Despite having transited here multiple times previously, it was the first time I was here for breakfast. I had a look through the breakfast menu in jovial spirits, hoping to find what I was craving. I read through the options again and again, and I slowly demoralised as I realised that they did not have my favourite breakfast item – the eggs benedict. What blasphemy! But then, just like how Thomas Edison lit up the world with a lightbulb, my brain lit up with a thought. They offer poached eggs, they offer some kind of turkey ham, they have Balik smoked salmon, and I am sure I saw some Hollandaise sauce before in this lounge in one of the buffets. Surely they would be able to make me a portion of eggs benedict? If they don’t, then perhaps I could throw a tantrum and do my first ever DYKWIA performance (I have always meant to perform one, but I never had the courage to do so. My love for eggs benedict may be the catalyst I need). So asked in a fully authoritative and arrogant manner befitting of a first class passenger
‘Excuse me, I am so sorry to bother you. I was just wondering if you had any eggs benedict? I don’t see them on the menu but…’
‘Of course sir. Would you like anything on the side with that?’
As expected of Emirates. They could cater my request without any problems. A plate of egg benedict with salmon and beans is definitely the way forward in life.
DXB-HND (an embarrassingly short review)
Soon it was an 90 minutes before boarding, and I was recommended to make my way over to the C gates as it takes around 45 minutes. It took me 20. The gate wasn’t even open. So I sat around the gate like a plebeian until they opened, and then I sat inside the gate, again like a plebeian. At least I was dressed the part –tracksuit bottoms, old trainers, and an anime Tshirt. I personally think one of the most painful ways of spending money is on clothes and fashion. Whatever expensive garments I wrap myself in, I will still look like an hobo with a face only medusa could look at (trust me, I tried hard during my teenage years. I found that for me, the best attire I could don to be most attractive towards a member of the opposite sex was actually my school uniform, which I am sure you can imagine did wonders for the little self confidence I had). All of my clothes (apart from my Tshirts printed with some of my favourite anime characters) I have been wearing for at least 8 years, and most of them my mother bought for me in a bargain sale at her local supermarket. Because good clothes and fashion are totally wasted on me, the sole reason I now wear clothes to 1. protect myself from the cold, 2. cover up body parts so that I don’t get arrested for indecent exposure, and 3. Be with my anime wives/girlfriends. So I see no need to wear suits or expensive shoes. Writing this just made me very sad. Enough about my fashion statement.
We boarded the Boeing 10 minutes before published time. I was escorted to my suite and all the pre-take off formalities were introduced. The suite itself is exactly the same as the one earlier on the A380, just a little wider. The first class load was 3/8, and economy and business seemed to have a light load also. I decided that the best flight plan would be to sleep for the first half (I already ate a decent breakfast in the lounge, so I did not need another one on board), then about 2 hours before landing to have dinner. So I promptly asked the attendant to make my bed, got changed into their moisturising pyjamas (which I frankly don’t notice the difference to their old ones except the appearance - my skin has never felt dry on a plane ever), and closed my eyes. This time the accompanying music was the piano concerto playlist by Mendelssohn.
There came an abrupt awakening for the second time this trip by the flight attendant. How have I slept through the entire flight? I didn’t have any alcohol since the drop from my first flight over 12 hours ago! We were already preparing for landing at Haneda airport and I had to get changed again and buckle in my seat. At least it is a testament to the quality of sleep one can expect in EK F – never before have I had such uninterrupted slumber at 40000 feet.
Immigration is extremely smooth in Tokyo – not like the 3 hours you have to queue at LHR. Not to mention I deplaned first so I was first in line. I had no checked bags so I went straight out through the baggage claim area to find my chauffeur drive.
EK uses a company called MK taxis in Tokyo. These taxis can be found anywhere in Tokyo, but they are a little higher in the prestige scale, and hence a tad more expensive, than the other taxis. They are known to be safer with better customer service (although even the most humble taxi company in Japan probably has much better service than any in the UK). As expected of MK taxis, there was a very neat line of drivers carrying placards with the names of the passengers who booked the service, who all bowed to me simultaneously when I located my specific driver. Not like the scramble in London where you check-in at a taxi desk and a burly, gruff bloke turns up from a disorganised mass of many burly, gruff blokes and grabs your suitcase without so much a hello. The drive to the hotel took about 40 minutes.
Also, once I complete this report I will have an addendum at the end where I will go on a long rant about the National Rail and British inefficiency, as requested.
Emirates first class lounge concourse A
We parked in concourse A, and I made my way straight to the First Class Lounge. My flight was departing from concourse C on a B772, but I just decided to chill here until flight time.
I am not a regular smoker, but whenever I come to this lounge I always head to the cigar lounge. You get a full service there and usually there are far less people there than in the main restaurant or any other seating areas. Granted, there are only the very few rich people (loaded with cash or miles. I have more of an affinity for the miles-rich than the cash-rich) in this lounge anyway. Those rich people are also likely far too busy being rich and entitled to take notice of a small, polite, and innocent Japanese person like me, but we all love being totally alone and not having to interact with more people than the bare minimum, don’t we? The cigar lounge is ideal to sit quietly with no disruptive surrounding noises and an excellent way to soak up the ambience at 4AM. Until, of course, the morning prayer (which I guess if you try hard enough, could count as an ambience to soak up. I don't envisage the person reciting the prayer would appreciate his voice being soaked up by a non-religious oriental kid pretending to be rich, though). I suppose, then, if I am having such a premium experience within a premium lounge, it is only etiquette to make a purchase. I asked if they had any cigarillos but they did not; instead I was recommended a cigar that was small and light. It was indeed quite small. I took a few puffs and it was indeed quite light. I am sure it would have been enjoyable to somebody who actually understands cigars.
I then had some breakfast. Now, I realise I said before that I thoroughly enjoy on-board catering on Emirates. However, the catering in their first class lounge is phenomenal, and this is one of the lounges where I would actively fill up to the brim before the flight. Indeed, if it would be considered classy, I would actively fill up to the brim, overfill my capacity and allow a multitude of fluids to appear top and bottom of the body, and then fill up to the brim again multiple times (it was considered high-class in Roman times...How traditions have been lost nowadays). Despite having transited here multiple times previously, it was the first time I was here for breakfast. I had a look through the breakfast menu in jovial spirits, hoping to find what I was craving. I read through the options again and again, and I slowly demoralised as I realised that they did not have my favourite breakfast item – the eggs benedict. What blasphemy! But then, just like how Thomas Edison lit up the world with a lightbulb, my brain lit up with a thought. They offer poached eggs, they offer some kind of turkey ham, they have Balik smoked salmon, and I am sure I saw some Hollandaise sauce before in this lounge in one of the buffets. Surely they would be able to make me a portion of eggs benedict? If they don’t, then perhaps I could throw a tantrum and do my first ever DYKWIA performance (I have always meant to perform one, but I never had the courage to do so. My love for eggs benedict may be the catalyst I need). So asked in a fully authoritative and arrogant manner befitting of a first class passenger
‘Excuse me, I am so sorry to bother you. I was just wondering if you had any eggs benedict? I don’t see them on the menu but…’
‘Of course sir. Would you like anything on the side with that?’
As expected of Emirates. They could cater my request without any problems. A plate of egg benedict with salmon and beans is definitely the way forward in life.
DXB-HND (an embarrassingly short review)
Soon it was an 90 minutes before boarding, and I was recommended to make my way over to the C gates as it takes around 45 minutes. It took me 20. The gate wasn’t even open. So I sat around the gate like a plebeian until they opened, and then I sat inside the gate, again like a plebeian. At least I was dressed the part –tracksuit bottoms, old trainers, and an anime Tshirt. I personally think one of the most painful ways of spending money is on clothes and fashion. Whatever expensive garments I wrap myself in, I will still look like an hobo with a face only medusa could look at (trust me, I tried hard during my teenage years. I found that for me, the best attire I could don to be most attractive towards a member of the opposite sex was actually my school uniform, which I am sure you can imagine did wonders for the little self confidence I had). All of my clothes (apart from my Tshirts printed with some of my favourite anime characters) I have been wearing for at least 8 years, and most of them my mother bought for me in a bargain sale at her local supermarket. Because good clothes and fashion are totally wasted on me, the sole reason I now wear clothes to 1. protect myself from the cold, 2. cover up body parts so that I don’t get arrested for indecent exposure, and 3. Be with my anime wives/girlfriends. So I see no need to wear suits or expensive shoes. Writing this just made me very sad. Enough about my fashion statement.
We boarded the Boeing 10 minutes before published time. I was escorted to my suite and all the pre-take off formalities were introduced. The suite itself is exactly the same as the one earlier on the A380, just a little wider. The first class load was 3/8, and economy and business seemed to have a light load also. I decided that the best flight plan would be to sleep for the first half (I already ate a decent breakfast in the lounge, so I did not need another one on board), then about 2 hours before landing to have dinner. So I promptly asked the attendant to make my bed, got changed into their moisturising pyjamas (which I frankly don’t notice the difference to their old ones except the appearance - my skin has never felt dry on a plane ever), and closed my eyes. This time the accompanying music was the piano concerto playlist by Mendelssohn.
There came an abrupt awakening for the second time this trip by the flight attendant. How have I slept through the entire flight? I didn’t have any alcohol since the drop from my first flight over 12 hours ago! We were already preparing for landing at Haneda airport and I had to get changed again and buckle in my seat. At least it is a testament to the quality of sleep one can expect in EK F – never before have I had such uninterrupted slumber at 40000 feet.
Immigration is extremely smooth in Tokyo – not like the 3 hours you have to queue at LHR. Not to mention I deplaned first so I was first in line. I had no checked bags so I went straight out through the baggage claim area to find my chauffeur drive.
EK uses a company called MK taxis in Tokyo. These taxis can be found anywhere in Tokyo, but they are a little higher in the prestige scale, and hence a tad more expensive, than the other taxis. They are known to be safer with better customer service (although even the most humble taxi company in Japan probably has much better service than any in the UK). As expected of MK taxis, there was a very neat line of drivers carrying placards with the names of the passengers who booked the service, who all bowed to me simultaneously when I located my specific driver. Not like the scramble in London where you check-in at a taxi desk and a burly, gruff bloke turns up from a disorganised mass of many burly, gruff blokes and grabs your suitcase without so much a hello. The drive to the hotel took about 40 minutes.
Jul 5, 2017, 12:41 pm
#9
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Left
Programs: FT
Posts: 7,285
Yikes. So IIRC, you likely landed into HND at 11pm? Damn. How was the jet lag after you had caught a good 8 hours of sleep. I have never slept that much without it being involuntary on a plane..well, I suppose passing out from too much booze is not voluntary...
would love to see some pics and hear about your visit home.
would love to see some pics and hear about your visit home.
Jul 5, 2017, 1:33 pm
#10
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: LAX and LHR. UA lifetime Gold 1.9MM 1K , DL Gold Medallion, HHonors Gold, Marriott Gold, Avis President's Club
Posts: 3,592
Thoroughly enjoying your writing style, fukki, although a little self-disparagement does go a long way.
I'm wondering how the mods allowed your username to go through.
I'm wondering how the mods allowed your username to go through.
Jul 5, 2017, 2:07 pm
#12
Moderator, Trip Reports
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Denver, CO
Programs: UA GS-2MM, Marriott Ambassador
Posts: 3,715
Excellent work young Skywalker...and as someone who has spent much time on EK F, I liked your observations. We need to work on your champagne tolerance though - 2 glasses is a pathetic effort 
Jul 6, 2017, 4:46 am
#13
Original Poster
Join Date: May 2017
Location: London
Programs: EK, Virgin Atlantic, SPG
Posts: 11
I had to think very long and hard about why the mods would disapprove of my username. Until in the middle of work in the morning, I had a 'Eureka' sort of moment about a not so 'Eureka' sort of realisation. Despite now knowing that it may be turned into a rather rude term, I still stand by proud of this nickname, that most of my friends now know me as. There was a time in uni when an acquaintance came to visit me in my flat. My flatmate answered the door and was asked where I was with my real name. He had a mindblank for a few minutes, not knowing who they were referring to, until several interactions and descriptions later he said 'Oh, you mean fukki!'
It is also very humbling to have a thumbs up from a legendary trip reporter like eightblack, although I am not sure how exactly you will build up my ethanol tolerance, and whether building it up is actually beneficial to this world. Apparently, according to a good friend who had to look after me when I had a little more than my capacity, I would run onto a busy Oxford street and start swearing at cars, and when I got home I would start praying to an imaginary god declothed while being sprayed with cold water in a shower. Perhaps it is god's will that I have a low tolerance. Not that I am religious in any way, but...
The next part of the report will be up later today, which will be a little bit about Tokyo.
It is also very humbling to have a thumbs up from a legendary trip reporter like eightblack, although I am not sure how exactly you will build up my ethanol tolerance, and whether building it up is actually beneficial to this world. Apparently, according to a good friend who had to look after me when I had a little more than my capacity, I would run onto a busy Oxford street and start swearing at cars, and when I got home I would start praying to an imaginary god declothed while being sprayed with cold water in a shower. Perhaps it is god's will that I have a low tolerance. Not that I am religious in any way, but...
The next part of the report will be up later today, which will be a little bit about Tokyo.
Jul 6, 2017, 2:10 pm
#14
Original Poster
Join Date: May 2017
Location: London
Programs: EK, Virgin Atlantic, SPG
Posts: 11
Bits and pieces from Tokyo
(courtesy of hotels.com)
The hotel I stayed at whilst in Tokyo was the APA hotel Akihabara, which is a cheap chain in Japan. It is probably equivalent to 2 stars at best, and a night costs about £50-60. The only time I would spend in the hotel is to sleep, and frankly I can sleep on any surface (I can even get a half-decent sleep on the much-revered Ryanair), so there was more value saving money than splurging points on a Hilton or a Four Seasons. If I was staying in London or NY then things would be different, but in Japan I know that even 2 star hotels have service and safety standards that could match 4 star hotels of other countries. So I felt totally comfortable looking like a hobo and staying at this cheap establishment (all the while brandishing my luggage tags that say ‘FIRST’ on them and getting quizzical looks by the bellman about why on earth I am staying in this dump and whether I was somebody famous on a secret holiday or not). The well-travelled so-and-so on flyertalk who swear by SPG, IHG or other luxury hotel chains I assume would not appreciate the lowly peasant tastes of APA hotel.
Now, I could tell you about anything and everything I did in Tokyo. But a lot of what I did was meeting family who came to visit, and going to anime shops, which most people would not be that interested in and may even find completely disgusting. Honestly, it is a sad saga that very few people understand the beauty of having a 2D wife. So instead, I will introduce some of the eating areas in Akihabara which may not necessarily be famous amongst foreign tourists, but are staples for the locals.
This café is called ‘PLACE’, and is open from 730AM. Serving decent coffee (by Japanese standards, which I suppose doesn’t say very much) and a hearty breakfast, it is my go-to place when I wake up early from jetlag and have nothing to do. It clearly proved extremely useful this time round, as I managed a whopping 9 hours of sleep on the DXB-HND leg and landed at 11PM, wide awake and refreshed to a long night to while away in my hobo hotel. I went in at 730AM sharp, had 3 breakfasts, and left at 11AM when all the shops started opening. (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1311/A131101/13104571/).
This is my all-time favourite lunch spot, ‘Kanda Tamagoken’. It specialises in omurice – a quasi-Japanese dish made of fried ketchup rice wrapped in soft omelette. If I didn’t have to worry about money and diabetes, I would be flying to Japan every weekend just to gorge on the omurice here. Unfortunately I do have to worry about money and diabetes so I don’t. But I pretend not to when I am actually in Tokyo (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1311/A131101/13178900/).
‘Ichipondo sute-ki hanba-gu Takeru’, literally translated as ‘1lb steak and burger shop Takeru’ is a steakhouse and grill. Akihabara is known for ridiculous portions, which may not actually be that ridiculous in American terms, but are for the rest of the world with normal appetites. You can choose from several cuts of steak, and can order up to 3lbs of the cut on one dish, not to mention the unlimited helpings of rice and soup at lunchtime. It is on the pricey side, but if you imagine you probably wouldn’t want to eat anything for the next 24 hours it works out OK. Unless of course you are American, in which case the price might be a little steep for one meal (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1310/A131001/13183200/).
If you are looking for a more traditional establishment, there is this ‘Kanda Shokudou’, which has been in business for the last 50 years, satisfying appetites with traditional Japanese home foods. It is cheap for the quality and location, and if you can get over the fact that it looks like a dump and you often have to share tables at busy times, a cheeky Kanda Shokudou can replace a cheeky Nando's here. The person looking like they are about to bow politely to the trolley is not, unfortunately, part of the experience of Kanda Shokudou. (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1310/A131001/13000366/).
It is a great shame that one cannot have a cheeky Nando's in Japan. It doesn't matter if you're (here goes...)
'out with an absolute ledge of a mate whos probs called Greg or summin whos a bit of a tosser like but a great laugh and youre like 'lads you wanna grab a cuppa' and hes like 'nah lads lets grab a cheeky nandos' and you go 'mate theres no nandos in Tokyo ya wee prick' and the rest of the lads go 'absolute mare' '
It made me cringe trying to write in the language of a drunk grouup of young British men; as much as I understand them when I encounter these specimens on a night out in London out of their zoo, I do not and probably will never talk like them. But I guess that's the whole beauty and essence of the eternal argument of the cheeky Nando's. I probably failed miserably at imitating them, too, if you ask the natives.
So thus a couple of days passed, I saw my family, and all in all I enjoyed a good visit back home. In fact it passed too quickly and I almost forgot that I had a flight in EK F to catch from Narita on Friday evening. God forbid one ever forgets a flight in EK F!
NRT
Unfortunately EK only provides chauffeur services to Haneda airport (in Tokyo) and not to Narita (which is actually located in a neighbouring prefecture called Chiba). Fortunately access to the airport is good, and one can catch the Narita Express train from several stations in Tokyo, which takes around an hour to reach the airport. So I bid my second favourite city in the world farewell, and arrived at Terminal 2 at 1830. Check-in surprisingly was open for the 2200 flight, and there was already a small gaggle forming at the economy area. I headed towards the premium check-in counters.
There was a family with a rather ridiculous amount of luggage that I wouldn’t be able to use up in 20 years of continuous travel blocking the F counter, so I lined up in the Business class section. I will never understand why people need more than 2 pieces of hand luggage for personal travel. I mean, how are you going to go through more than 3 sets of clothes in a week? I guess it's a bit like not being able to understand teenage girls who seem to need a different dress for every hour of the day and is a sin more monumentous than murder to wear the same dress more than once.
Moments later I was called forward and the JL employee started the formalities. She tried to put the blue business class tags on my hand luggage. I informed her that I wasn’t travelling on business class, so she apologised profusely and retrieved some green economy tags. I didn’t want to sound like a snobbish so-and-so by saying ‘Actually, I’m travelling in first class, I’ll have you know’ (with the obligatory look of resentment and a ‘poof’ of the hand), so I said nothing. I must have thought I would look more ridiculous boarding F with blue tags rather than boarding F with green tags and was willing to accept that fate. She soon realised her mistake, however, when the booking screen flagged me as an F passenger, and she apologised even more profusely than last time, which was already extremely profuse, and retagged my bags with the much-coveted red.
Narita has premium security for any passenger travelling in a premium class. Haneda, on the other hand, has a premium security lane for most premium passengers, but not for EK premium passengers, for some bizarre reason. This was my first time flying EK F from Narita and not Haneda, so I wasn’t sure if I was entitled to use this lane. So I went to the lady guarding the entrance of the premium security against the great crowd of the unwashed in economy, and said as confidently as I could (in Japanese, of course)
‘Excuse me, I am sorry to disturb you. I was wondering if I was allowed to use this lane? I think I am booked in Emirates first class but…’
She took one look at my boarding pass and escorted me in with several bows.
Once again, security went without a hitch. Then, I formally exited the country through the immigration desks. I always wonder why in Japan you have to be stamped out of the country, but not in the UK?
(courtesy of hotels.com)
The hotel I stayed at whilst in Tokyo was the APA hotel Akihabara, which is a cheap chain in Japan. It is probably equivalent to 2 stars at best, and a night costs about £50-60. The only time I would spend in the hotel is to sleep, and frankly I can sleep on any surface (I can even get a half-decent sleep on the much-revered Ryanair), so there was more value saving money than splurging points on a Hilton or a Four Seasons. If I was staying in London or NY then things would be different, but in Japan I know that even 2 star hotels have service and safety standards that could match 4 star hotels of other countries. So I felt totally comfortable looking like a hobo and staying at this cheap establishment (all the while brandishing my luggage tags that say ‘FIRST’ on them and getting quizzical looks by the bellman about why on earth I am staying in this dump and whether I was somebody famous on a secret holiday or not). The well-travelled so-and-so on flyertalk who swear by SPG, IHG or other luxury hotel chains I assume would not appreciate the lowly peasant tastes of APA hotel.
Now, I could tell you about anything and everything I did in Tokyo. But a lot of what I did was meeting family who came to visit, and going to anime shops, which most people would not be that interested in and may even find completely disgusting. Honestly, it is a sad saga that very few people understand the beauty of having a 2D wife. So instead, I will introduce some of the eating areas in Akihabara which may not necessarily be famous amongst foreign tourists, but are staples for the locals.
This café is called ‘PLACE’, and is open from 730AM. Serving decent coffee (by Japanese standards, which I suppose doesn’t say very much) and a hearty breakfast, it is my go-to place when I wake up early from jetlag and have nothing to do. It clearly proved extremely useful this time round, as I managed a whopping 9 hours of sleep on the DXB-HND leg and landed at 11PM, wide awake and refreshed to a long night to while away in my hobo hotel. I went in at 730AM sharp, had 3 breakfasts, and left at 11AM when all the shops started opening. (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1311/A131101/13104571/).
This is my all-time favourite lunch spot, ‘Kanda Tamagoken’. It specialises in omurice – a quasi-Japanese dish made of fried ketchup rice wrapped in soft omelette. If I didn’t have to worry about money and diabetes, I would be flying to Japan every weekend just to gorge on the omurice here. Unfortunately I do have to worry about money and diabetes so I don’t. But I pretend not to when I am actually in Tokyo (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1311/A131101/13178900/).
‘Ichipondo sute-ki hanba-gu Takeru’, literally translated as ‘1lb steak and burger shop Takeru’ is a steakhouse and grill. Akihabara is known for ridiculous portions, which may not actually be that ridiculous in American terms, but are for the rest of the world with normal appetites. You can choose from several cuts of steak, and can order up to 3lbs of the cut on one dish, not to mention the unlimited helpings of rice and soup at lunchtime. It is on the pricey side, but if you imagine you probably wouldn’t want to eat anything for the next 24 hours it works out OK. Unless of course you are American, in which case the price might be a little steep for one meal (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1310/A131001/13183200/).
If you are looking for a more traditional establishment, there is this ‘Kanda Shokudou’, which has been in business for the last 50 years, satisfying appetites with traditional Japanese home foods. It is cheap for the quality and location, and if you can get over the fact that it looks like a dump and you often have to share tables at busy times, a cheeky Kanda Shokudou can replace a cheeky Nando's here. The person looking like they are about to bow politely to the trolley is not, unfortunately, part of the experience of Kanda Shokudou. (map: https://tabelog.com/en/tokyo/A1310/A131001/13000366/).
It is a great shame that one cannot have a cheeky Nando's in Japan. It doesn't matter if you're (here goes...)
'out with an absolute ledge of a mate whos probs called Greg or summin whos a bit of a tosser like but a great laugh and youre like 'lads you wanna grab a cuppa' and hes like 'nah lads lets grab a cheeky nandos' and you go 'mate theres no nandos in Tokyo ya wee prick' and the rest of the lads go 'absolute mare' '
It made me cringe trying to write in the language of a drunk grouup of young British men; as much as I understand them when I encounter these specimens on a night out in London out of their zoo, I do not and probably will never talk like them. But I guess that's the whole beauty and essence of the eternal argument of the cheeky Nando's. I probably failed miserably at imitating them, too, if you ask the natives.
So thus a couple of days passed, I saw my family, and all in all I enjoyed a good visit back home. In fact it passed too quickly and I almost forgot that I had a flight in EK F to catch from Narita on Friday evening. God forbid one ever forgets a flight in EK F!
NRT
Unfortunately EK only provides chauffeur services to Haneda airport (in Tokyo) and not to Narita (which is actually located in a neighbouring prefecture called Chiba). Fortunately access to the airport is good, and one can catch the Narita Express train from several stations in Tokyo, which takes around an hour to reach the airport. So I bid my second favourite city in the world farewell, and arrived at Terminal 2 at 1830. Check-in surprisingly was open for the 2200 flight, and there was already a small gaggle forming at the economy area. I headed towards the premium check-in counters.
There was a family with a rather ridiculous amount of luggage that I wouldn’t be able to use up in 20 years of continuous travel blocking the F counter, so I lined up in the Business class section. I will never understand why people need more than 2 pieces of hand luggage for personal travel. I mean, how are you going to go through more than 3 sets of clothes in a week? I guess it's a bit like not being able to understand teenage girls who seem to need a different dress for every hour of the day and is a sin more monumentous than murder to wear the same dress more than once.
Moments later I was called forward and the JL employee started the formalities. She tried to put the blue business class tags on my hand luggage. I informed her that I wasn’t travelling on business class, so she apologised profusely and retrieved some green economy tags. I didn’t want to sound like a snobbish so-and-so by saying ‘Actually, I’m travelling in first class, I’ll have you know’ (with the obligatory look of resentment and a ‘poof’ of the hand), so I said nothing. I must have thought I would look more ridiculous boarding F with blue tags rather than boarding F with green tags and was willing to accept that fate. She soon realised her mistake, however, when the booking screen flagged me as an F passenger, and she apologised even more profusely than last time, which was already extremely profuse, and retagged my bags with the much-coveted red.
Narita has premium security for any passenger travelling in a premium class. Haneda, on the other hand, has a premium security lane for most premium passengers, but not for EK premium passengers, for some bizarre reason. This was my first time flying EK F from Narita and not Haneda, so I wasn’t sure if I was entitled to use this lane. So I went to the lady guarding the entrance of the premium security against the great crowd of the unwashed in economy, and said as confidently as I could (in Japanese, of course)
‘Excuse me, I am sorry to disturb you. I was wondering if I was allowed to use this lane? I think I am booked in Emirates first class but…’
She took one look at my boarding pass and escorted me in with several bows.
Once again, security went without a hitch. Then, I formally exited the country through the immigration desks. I always wonder why in Japan you have to be stamped out of the country, but not in the UK?